Lost

Chapter 86 : "Forgiveness"

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Vote. Comment your reactions as you read. And please, please read the A/N to clear a misunderstanding about a point in the plot. Thank you!

Salma chewed on her lip. She did not know how to answer that

"Listen, I am not judging you," James said, "I just want to know that you are doing this because of you, and not because someone has blackmailed you into it."

Noticing her shiver in the cold, James wished he would have chosen a warmer spot for this talk. He gave her a reassuring squeeze.

"I'll support you with whatever you've decided," He promised, "Just be honest with me, are you covering up for that half assed git because you are scared of him?"

Salma smiled weakly at James's description of him.

"It's not that," she replied, feeling her gut twist in another uncomfortable knot, "It's just that . . . it's so many things."

Salma blinked back tears and looked away. James knew this was hard for her but he just wanted to understand her reasons. She was hurt and angry. He had wronged her on so many levels, and yet she chose to cover up his crimes. Why?

"Are you afraid?" he asked.

Salma shook her head. She was not afraid. Fear was not what kept her from reporting him.

"I'm not sure why," Salma cried, "I tried to figure that out myself but I don't see myself at peace when I imagine reporting him to the authorities and humiliating him."

"What stops you?"

He watched her fidget with the edge of the blanket. The small frown, that seemed to permanently reside on her forehead these days, deepened as she thought over the reasons that prevented her from reporting Zayn to the police.

"You know Alex visited me?"

"Yeah, Asim mentioned," James said, trying not to jump conclusions and let her explain.

She stared at the mug in her hands as she told James about it.

"After she left, I was scared, and in pain, so I started praying. That was the only way I could stay sane," Salma started recounting her story.

She thought back to that night wondering if anyone will ever understand her reason. After Alex had left, Salma felt conflicted but she was unwilling to comply with Alex's requests. She had decided to perform an isthikhara (Prayers for divine counsel) to clear her head when she came across this ayah that just baffled her. 

The knots in Salma's minds came undone like they were never there before. An unexplainable feeling of ease descended over her. She felt like the Lord of the universe had conversed with her directly. She felt overwhelmed.

“So I just prayed the prayer we perform when we’re confused,” Salma muttered. “And I ended up going with what Alex asked.”

As the silence stretched between them, Salma bit down hard on her trembling lips. She knew how weak that reason sounded. Her chest had tightened so much it was uncomfortable.

James watched her with a mix of incredulity and awe. He was not sure what to think of Salma's choices sometimes. He loved her for who she was. He loved her a lot, but her religious leanings really made him wish she would stop tormenting herself for something so . . . abstract.

"I know you don't get it," Salma said after calming down a bit, "I know you think I've gone mad, and that I'm being a fool for thinking of forgiving him, but . . . you don't understand, it's like Allah directly spoke to me."