Nothing's fine I'm torn

1

Louis pov

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 I'm lying in bed after our concert when it starts happening again. The downward spiral of thoughts that keep my mind racing and unable to sleep.

Why is this happening to me? Everything is crumbling down around me and I don't know how to stop it.

The boys are worried I can tell, but I cant tell them yet. No they wouldn't care even if I told them and then I would have to deal with more pain. I can barely stand this pain, there is no way I could survive that.

Why couldn't I just be happy like I use to? Why is it that the universe is against me? Whenever I managed to take a step forward something happens to knock me ten steps back. I rub my eyes willing the tears to disappear. But they don't and they continue to flow down my cheeks.

I can't keep living like this. I've been holding on to this little sliver of hope for too long and it's only getting smaller. The boys though, I can't hurt them like this. Zayn would start smoking more and become really distant. Liam would blame himself for not seeing it sooner, he tries to protect us so much. Niall, oh niall would be a disaster. and Harry.... I'm not too sure how he would react. It could really go two ways, either he would start partying more and try to cope through alcohol or he wouldn't survive it.

I take a deep breath and just stare at the ceiling. This is why I have started pushing them away, if it feels like I'm already gone then they won't miss me that much.

you know that's complete bullshit, they love you lou

I groan at the voice in my head and roll over to face the wall. That voice is the only thing keeping me going, her voice. She would be so mad that I left her.

But she would understand. She must understand the pain and she would be okay with my decision. And that's the biggest lie, she knows me better than I know myself.

I pulled myself out of bed and dragged myself over to my bathroom. I quickly stripped and jumped into the shower. I had to distract myself, I couldn't keep thinking these depressing thoughts. I turned the water hotter and stood under the shower head, letting myself relax.

I don't know how long I stood there lost in thought but suddenly the water was cold and I quickly shut the tap off and jumped out. I dried myself off with the towel and wrapped it around my waist. I was about to leave the bathroom when the image in the mirror scared me.

I walked closer and looked at myself with disbelief. I poked gently and my protruding ribs. I looked down at my body making sure this wasn't just a trick with the light. But there they were, my skin clinging to my ribs. I looked up in the mirror and saw the mask of horror on my face. I hadn't been really hungry in a while since it happened but I didn't think I was losing that much weight. The dark circles under my eyes were still visible and were only getting worse.

Tears swam in my eyes before escaping and trailing down my cheeks. I already look dead. All the depressing thoughts came rushing back. I ran into my room and fell on my bed sobbing.

I couldn't do this anymore, I can't be this strong. I reached out blindly on my nightstand trying to find my phone. I felt the familiar shape and grabbed it quickly. I turned it on and went straight to my contacts and pressed the comforting name. I tried to contain my sobs as I heard the ring.

"hello?" a voice answers and I can't hold my sobs back. "oh my god lou, what's wrong?" The voice says frantically. "Liv I need you" I whimper out and I hear her gasp from the other end.

"I'm catching a flight now, hold tight. I'll be there soon lou" She says and I hang up. I curl into a ball with the phone clutched to my chest.

She will help, she always helps. 

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brand new fic :)

 This was a dream and it was so sad and I can't even

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-liv