This Is My Life

Letter #5

May 26, 2013.

Dear whomever,

I'm alone again tonight. I'm trying my best not to cry, but It's just getting too hard to handle. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I know that I can't spend every minute with my friends but it's like as soon as I'm in my bedroom, door closed, headphones in, I become sad. I hate that about myself. I get sad so easily and over stupid little things. If I'm having a bad day and I do something as little as drop my pen, I just want to cry. At night, my only friends are my thoughts, and they're quite frightening.

~

Earlier, I was cutting paper; and it reminded me of my skin, and that thought scared me, a lot. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel mental, insane. Like I'm trapped in a crazy persons body and I'm not myself. Like I have to go find myself, but I'm not so sure I want to do that. I've gotten so used to the pain, the sadness, and the feeling of not being good enough, that I don't want to change; because that is all I know. It's all im used to, so why change?

~

I'm really starting to let my depression show through right now, I'm sorry. Let's talk about good things. Yesterday, I went to the mall. My friends and I followed these cute guys around in a totally non-stalkerish way. Then as we were about to leave, my one friend and I saw another cute guy in a store so we made my other friend give him our numbers and now we are texting, so that's good. After we left the store, we saw the same guys we were following earlier, and so as we were driving away, we started waving to them and yelling bye. Then they turned around and were like watching us, so my friend got out of the car and went over to them. She came running back and told us they wanted my other friend and I to go over there too. So we did. One guy gave me his number. The guy who I thought was cute didn't talk and I let my shyness take over and so I didn't get his number and then I had regrets all night. Overall, it was a fun night. I'm tired, I'll write again tomorrow. Goodnight, dear friend.