One Shots

Not Ready

I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready to loose you. I need more time, I never had enough. I know everyone says that but it's true. Being the youngest child in our family, I've had the least time with you. It's true I don't see you everyday but it's not that I won't be able to see you everyday that scares me. It's knowing that you won't be there anymore if I need you. That if something happened I couldn't turn to you anymore because you'd be gone. And that....terrifies me.

I never thought I'd ever cry myself to sleep, I thought that only happened in fiction...but tonight I am. The fear of loosing you is drowning me. I can't sleep, I'm wide awake, thinking of you. Wondering what would happen if I lost you. What if I don't get to say goodbye? What if you leave me forever without so much as a reason? So many what ifs but all of them are my fears.

I'm not the most affectionate person I know that but for some reason it's just who I am. I might not hug you every second but know that I have and always will love you. No matter what. And know that if you do end up leaving me, that I will never be the same. That my life would have lost a large meaning. You've been there for me since I was born. You've always been there and that's why I'm scared. Because you've always been there and now what happens if your not?

I'm sure I'm just overreacting right now and I hope that I am but from the words my father told me I feel like I'm not. I feel like this is all very real, when really, I hope like hell it's all a bad dream. A bad dream that I'll wake up from and everything will be ok again. The problem is I'm not sleeping so I can't be dreaming, meaning all this, all my fears are a reality. That all of this is real.

Look outside your window for me, see the rain, the rain that is pouring down. That is how I'm feeling, all my fears have taken over my mind. There's no room for anything else. The rain is my emotions. I'm a mess right now, tears stain my cheeks, my eyes are red from crying. I just need to know your ok, I'm just a kid. I get told the smallest details and I feel like people are holding back. I don't care if it hurts I need to know what's happening. It can't hurt more than not knowing. All I know is something is wrong and your lying in a hospital bed while I'm at home worrying. As much as you hide it I sense that you'd be scared, scared of what's to come. So look at the rain and think of me because when I look at the rain, I think of you. I'm always thinking of you now.

So please don't leave me. I know you can fight this, I know you'll stay strong. But please don't leave me, not yet anyway. I still need you, I'll always need you. I know it sounds selfish for me to ask you to fight when your most likely in pain but I can't loose you.

So please don't leave me cause I'm not ready. I'm not ready to let you go, I'm not ready to see you leave. I'm ready to say goodbye, I just want more time with you. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Even if it's just for me, please hold on for a little longer...