Same Mistakes - Niam

Chapter 10

"Something's wrong" Zayn says, frowning as he stares at Harry who is playing with Ernest.

"With what?" Louis asks in confusion.

"Harry" Zayn says, "something isn't right"

"He looks fine to me" Louis says, his gaze going over to Harry, he couldn't see what was wrong because he looked genuinely happy.

"He's not" Zayn says, worried.

"How do you know that" Louis asks.

"Because I know everything there is to know about him, I can tell when something is wrong even if he looks perfectly fine" Zayn says, running a hand through his messy hair.

"Do you think it has something to do with babies?" Louis asks immediately becoming concerned because he knew how much losing the baby had affected Harry and that he was incredibly upset about it.

"I don't know" Zayn says, frustrated because it just seemed like he didn't know anything anymore, Harry just wasn't telling him things even after their conversation.

"It's probably nothing" Louis says, "maybe you're just overthinking it"

"Maybe" Zayn says, his eyes never leaving Harry.

"I think we better get going, we'll be late for the studio" Louis says,

"Yeah okay" Zayn says, standing up from the kitchen Island and heading towards the lounge where Harry is with Ernest sitting on the ground.

"Babe, We're heading off" He says, "are you sure you're going to be fine with Ernest?"

"Yeah I'll be fine" Harry says, giving Zayn a smile but Zayn can see right through it.

"It won't be too long, mums going to be here soon to pick him up" Louis says.

Harry nods at him and Zayn gets down to his level giving him a kiss.

"I love you" he says, cupping Harry's face caressing his cheeks, the skin smooth under his thumb.

"I know" Harry says, giving Zayn a real smile this time "I love you too"

Zayn gives him one more kiss before he and Louis make their way out the house.

Harry sighs as he looks at Ernest, he was usually good with kids but it just seemed like after loosing the baby and the doctor telling him that he couldn't have kids due to some complications that had occurred during the miscarriage, he just didn't know what to do with them anymore.

He spent the majority of the time staring into space, letting Ernest just roam around doing anything he wanted while he was stuck in his thoughts, trying to figure out a way to tell Zayn that he couldn't have kids.

It broke his heart, knowing he couldn't give his husband the one thing they both wanted and that he lost the opportunity to when his body rejected the baby.

All his ever wanted is a child of his own and now he can't even have that.

Johannah comes around at 2pm, she gives Harry a look of concern but doesn't bother to ask him if he is okay. They say their goodbyes and Harry heads back inside.

Harry quickly rushes to his and zayns bedroom, rushing to the bathroom and locking himself in. He turns and looks at the head to toe mirror at the back of the door.

He hates what he sees there. His face, his hair, his body, everything. He wants to take every piece of him he sees and rearrange it. His nose is too big, his body too tall. His chest is too flat and his hips too chubby. With every second, he feels bile rise in the back of his throat at the sight of himself.

But he doesn't look away. Instead, his gaze lingers on the flat smoothness of his tummy, and he finds himself rubbing the skin there, imagining a world in which he would be carrying a life, a life he and Zayn created.  Something he could've had if his body hadn't rejected the baby.

A tear drops, and then another. A pathetic sound escapes his mouth, pitiful just like his thoughts.

Because Harry wishes he could turn back time and take care of his body properly, maybe then he and Zayn could still have a chance of having another baby. Wishes he could give Zayn the one thing they both want in this world.

He wishes he had a baby growing in his belly. Wants Zayn to be the father of a baby, to be announcing his excitement over starting a family to their families. Wants to be the carrier of their future children so so much. He hates his body for not giving him what he craves most.

The knowledge that he couldn't have a baby hurt more than anything, every single day of his life.

These days, Harry hates his body and resents himself for not being able to provide Zayn with the children they both wanted. Zayn deserves someone who can give him a baby.

Closing his eyes, Harry lets his mind wander. He imagines himself four months pregnant, with a beautiful baby bump. He imagines a slight firmness beneath his fingers, a swell under the span of his hands. He imagines Zayn behind him with his arms wrapped around his waist, whispering loving words.

I wrote two new stories, Everlasting love and father forgive me their both Niam. it would be great if you could give them a read and let me know what you think.  Also sorry for not updating in what feels like forever, I've just been focused on school because the school year is almost over only 4 weeks to go but I'll be trying to update a little faster.