rogue ⇒ l.h

[15]

[15]

"luke?"

i passed the kitchen floor quietly. the apartment seemed unusually clean and tidy, its messy plates and decor and furniture gone. i walked out to see the television blaring.

it was on the news channel and the newscaster was reading a report on a body found on a street. the dead person had blonde hair. black jeans. like luke.

"luke!" i screamed, "luke, where are you!"

"i'm here babe, don't worry." he appeared outside the bedroom. he was leaning against the wall, smiling at me. his black jeans were hanging low on his hips. oh.

i said, "i thought you were dead."

"i'm not, aren't i?" he said, "c'mere." he gestured to himself and i walked towards him.

he grabbed my shirt and brought me to the bedroom. luke kissed my head and then he

he

he

k i s s e d me on the lips.

everything lit up in me and i kissed him back and he touched me and he whispered things to me and he took my shirt off and then he touched the skin on my waist———

and he screamed. he screamed and convulsed and it was an inhumane combination. but no matter what i did, i could not get his hands off me and i could not do anything but stand and watch as he died before my eyes, his hands still on me.

i think i was crying and screaming in my sleep because when somebody woke me up, i could feel my tears everywhere and my throat was sore. all i could think of was this was just a dream, just a dream, not real, luke is safe, luke is alive.

luke was the one who woke me up. he wrapped his arms around me, muttering soothing words that i could not comprehend, as i shook violently. the tears had stopped and my eyes were dry and sore but he never let me go.

i could finally hear his words, "it's okay, anna, you're alright," he comforted me, "you're awake, you're safe now."

but you're not.

get away from me. i'm a monster, i don't deserve your kindness luke. you'll die. those were the words i couldn't say as he kissed my hair, the only part of me he could touch without risking death. i snuggled deeper into his shirt and inhaled his scent of sleep and soap and bread. i could fall asleep like that every night, i thought.

and then it hit me as luke rocked me back and forth, as he stroked my hair and leaned against the headboard, closing his eyes.

the truth of it frightened me. it scared me as much as leaving him. but it was a moment of realization, clarity, a flash of sudden sharpness.

i didn't care for him as a best friend. i cared for him way more than that.

i

l
o
   v
     e d him.

the thought that i loved luke more than myself was petrifying. but it was also thrilling and beautiful. and it was the only thing keeping me from kissing him.