rogue ⇒ l.h

[19]

[19]

raven drove me to luke's house an hour after i wrote the letters. i climbed out of the car and raven smiled sadly at me, wishing me good luck for getting luke back. she didn't know i was having my last goodbye, my last time talking to luke. i didn't know if i was ready or not.

i knocked the door to luke's apartment. i repeated it twice but nobody answered. i twisted the doorknob and found it unlocked. that was strange, luke always locked the door.

carefully, i stepped in. the studio was still the same, white and neat and clean. but everything seemed so different. "luke?" I called out tentatively.

no answer. i tried again. and again. i looked in the tv corner and the balcony and the kitchen but he wasn't there. hesitantly, i went into his bedroom. the bed was made, the table and chair neat and empty. "luke?" I called again.

and then i realized that the wardrobe was empty. everything was empty. the drawers, the cupboard. no clothes, no belongings, not even his toothbrush was there. it struck me that he had left. took everything and ran away. there wasn't even a trace that someone had lived here before.

no, this can't be it, i'm dreaming. it's all a horrible nightmare and when i wake up, erik won't be here and luke will be with me. but the emotions i feel, the way my hands shake and the emptiness of this apartment is real. i fall to the floor trembling uncontrollably, having no control over my muscles and nerves.

i lie on the floor as tears flowed like a waterfall from my eyes but no sound seemed to come out from my mouth. luke left. he left because of me. he's never going to come back.

it seemed like eternity as i lie down feeling my cheek on the cold marble floor and i hardly noticed the apartment door opening and raven stepping in and a second later, i feel her arms wrapped around me, telling me it's going to be okay, it's going to be alright. i don't believe her.

that's what it'll feel like, i thought, leaving everyone you love without a word, vanishing from their lives like you've never stepped into it before. i realized that was what i would be doing tomorrow. but unlike me, luke had a choice.

i love you— the simple three words that could change anyone's life. they were unspoken and unknown all my life but at that moment I wanted to say it. i wanted to say it in front of luke, again and again until i lost my voice, until i lost all energy to speak, until he loved me back too.

i think the thing about regrets is that we lost a chance and now you want it so badly but it's gone forever. it won't come back. luke won't come back.

i pack all my belongings into a backpack. i didn't own that many items. it was eleven at night and i was ready to leave my apartment. raven and cade were out having dinner after i refused to go with them. it was going to be harder parting with them. i put their letters on the kitchen top where they would definitely find it. a tear slid from my eye as i did so. i wish i wasn't so weak.

i had put luke's letter on his coffee table before i left his apartment, in hopes he would come back and find it. i really realy hoped he would.

i stared at the apartment. many memories were created here and i never thought i would miss it that much. i took in every detail, every ornament and shape and crevice and object.

i took a deep breath. opened the door. and stepped out into the night, vulnerable yet dangerous at the same time.