Zombie Survival guide

What ARE Zombies?

Brain noshers, what are they and where do they come from?

You might think that zombies are unnatural but you couldn't be further from the truth. Zombies are a result of a virus. A bit like the common cold but you catch it by an infected person nibbling on a finger or some infected blood or worse, finding its way into you.

Symptoms (What to look out for)

Make no mistake at some point you will have to kill a zombie, but you may, if you are lucky, have the opportunity to save someone's life with a bit of judicious if impromptu surgery. To do this you need to know what the signs and symptoms are.

At this point we have to admit there is no clear consensus on what these are. It is not known with complete accuracy the signs and symptoms of an infection.

Zombie HQ did set up a billion dollar underground facility in a known infected area but no one returned to report their findings. We did receive one video broadcast after communication was established. During extensive analysis of the film we determined some hissing and grunting just out of sight of the camera and some gurgling which could have been someone's dying breath (also out of camera shot).

The lab was trashed with medical apparatus strewn over tables and chairs upturned.

There appeared to be some tomato ketchup dripping from the walls leading to a trail on the floor as if something was dragged out. We considered the world's largest hamburger was for dinner but we were unable to confirm this.

As we have so little reliable information, we are reduced to using historical documents and documentaries for our research.

Physical signs and symptoms of infection

Signs are symptoms that can be recognised by an observer and therefore are much more important when detecting infection. Individuals could be lying about some symptoms to avoid ejection from a group, while they cannot hide the signs from you. This is understandable. When faced with a life of eating raw brains without condiments, even the bravest will be in denial.

What to look out for?

1. Pain and wound coloration

An infected person may be able to disguise pain but if a wound has gone green, purple or blue then the patient may need close observation. Now is the time to locate the hacksaw, axe, saw or other implement you've been sharpening lately.

2. Excessive sweating

This is still not a deal breaker at this point but it is a clear sign along with others that the patient might be turning.

A couple of things to check at this point:

Is the patient next to a heat source or in an excessively hot area?

Has the patient started their menopause?

Be aware that there may be other causes for individual signs and symptoms.

3. Numbing of affected appendage/area

It is time to get serious. Bring out your cutting apparatus. Spoons, forks and table knives are not an option unless you hate the person you are saving. At which point get someone else to do it or leave them outside. If s/he is turning, he won't be attacked by other zombies.

You need to cure (amputation), kill or hide. If you are trapped in a room with a zombie with no way out they will overpower you. All they need to do is drool over your succulent brain on an open sore and you are a goner.

Next, get a big bottle of whiskey, vodka or brandy. The stronger the better and pour a LARGE glass. Down it in one. This is important for your nerves. Don't worry about cutting straight, you won't be going into any vital organs you are just cutting off their appendage. They will just be glad to survive. Pour some spirits directly on to your cutting implement and the wound. You do nto want your patient to get infected by something else because of poor hygiene practice.

4. Paralysis

If you waited this long, then it is too late. They are either infected and there is nothing you can do about it or they have something else in which case you still can't do anything else unless of course you have several years of medical school under your belt. If you have, Zombie HQ would like to offer you a position as our esteemed Director of Medicine as we have done a quick poll and we are all squeamish at the sight of blood. Benefits include, four weeks holiday, medical insurance, (which you'll have to be the beneficiary as well as supplier because you will be the only doctor) and a company tank. Stakes, silver bullets and crosses negotiable.

5. Losing the power of speech

After a few hours, the patient's voice will start to slur. Their voices may deepen and become husky. You may hear a ngmph sound deepening to a urgh accompanied by some gurgling. They may also stare wildly about, with brief temporary bout of amnesia. Get ready to run. This is almost the clincher.

6. Lurching

Shortly after gurgling, their eyes may become fixed in front of them. They should then go completely still. We have determined that this is probably their point of death. They will then sit bolt upright as if hinged from the waist. Try saying their name. At this point, this could still be a misdiagnosis, they could still be suffering from a massive hangover. Have a quick glance at your alcohol supplies (you only have moments to spare for this step) and try wafting some frying bacon under their nose. If they haven't turned this is almost guaranteed to get them to react. If they don't respond and you are not ready to act, our advice from Zombie HQ's is to head to the nearest exit and run!