Monster (A Bucky Barnes fanfiction)

Bucky Barnes

Kat puts on a façade to make me think she's not hurting nearly as bad as she is. I see through it. I heard her crying this morning. I would've comforted her, but I thought I was dreaming. And my people skills are still rusty. I wasn't taught how to comfort at Hydra.

I quickly finish my food and find Kat before she goes anywhere else. I grab her hand and pull her into our room.

"Ooh, Bucky, can't keep your hands off me for more than an hour, huh?" she jokes and winks.

"Kat, I know you're holding stuff in and that's not good. You can tell me anything, I won't judge you, I promise. Don't feel the need to hold back anything. Just talk to me, let it out."

"I'm not holding anything in. I feel numb. I haven't been crying and that makes me feel terrible. I guess when something like this happens, you don't know how to deal with it, so you go numb."

"Kat, I'm sorry, but I know you're lying. I heard you crying this morning. You can talk to me, okay?"

Kat gets up to leave, "Bucky, I appreciate you trying to help, but I have training to go to."

I grab her hand, "I don't think anyone will be surprised if you don't show up. Get some things off your chest. Talk to me. Quit holding it in. I remember you telling me something similar."

"But this is different. My parents are dead," she says quietly.

"I know, but you don't need to hold it in. Please, I'm begging you. Talk to me. You don't have to put up a wall."

"Bucky, you don't understand. Your parents were still alive when you went to war. You were on good terms with them. I didn't get to say goodbye. I haven't talked to them in months. I was mad at them! They're dead and I was mad at them!"

I don't let her see it, but the words hurt me. My parents are dead and I could've seen them but Hydra was using me as their weapon. They never knew I was alive. They never knew I survived being captured. They never knew I fell off a train and was presumed dead. They never saw me after I left. I get it, it's hard when both your parents die at the same time. My parents are what I think about the most. I hardly remember anything about them. I can't see my mother's face, I can only hear her voice.

"They wouldn't want you to be like this. They forgive you. They can't tell you, but they forgive you."

"What if they don't?" Kat cries.

"You can't think like that. Don't think about the negative things, thinks about the positive things," I suggest.

"There are no positive things! I was a horrible kid! I did everything they told me not to! And they were right," her voice breaks.

I wrap my arms around her and she starts sobbing into my chest. I don't say anything, sometimes silence helps. I don't move and Kat keeps crying.

"I... I just wish I could've said goodbye," she whispers.

"I know, I know."

"I didn't get to... to... to tell them I loved them one last time. I have to plan their funerals and see their bodies. Bucky, I don't wanna do that," she sobs.

"I'll take care of the arrangements. Don't you worry about a thing, okay?" I wipe the tears from her face.

"No, I have to. It's my responsibility. Just be there for me."

It's my fault this happened. You wouldn't be planning a funeral if it wasn't for me. I wish I would've went back before this happened. I wish I would've gotten away from her when I had the chance. She'd be safe, she'd be happy, everything would be fine.

I push those thoughts aside and just think about comforting Kat. She finally stops crying and lets out a shaky breath. She pulls away and looks up at me with tears in her eyes. If my heart wasn't broken yet, it is now. It hurts to see someone you love in so much pain.

"Thank you, Bucky. I'm glad you made me talk. I'm glad you're here to help me through this. I couldn't do it alone."

The tears start rolling down her cheeks again and I try to wipe them away as they fall. I pull her into my arms and sobs wrack her body. She needs to let it out. This is good for her.

"Kat, don't hold anything in, okay? You can come to me and just cry, you can rant, or we can just talk. I love you and I'll always be here for you. I won't judge anything you say and I'll comfort you when you need it. If you need me to back off, I will. I'll give you your space."

She looks up at me and smiles through her tears. "Thank you, Bucky. I appreciate it. I really really do. More than words can express. But, I gotta go. I can't stand around and wallow all day. Gotta go do something. Take my mind off it a little. Thank you again. I love you," and just like that, she's off.

I decide to give her space and walk around the compound. When that gets old, I decide to go read in my room. Kat comes back an hour or two later with a tight lipped smile on her face. I can tell she's about to cry but I don't say anything. She'll come to me if she needs me.

I go back to my book and Kat takes a shower. She comes back in one of my shirts and sweatpants. She lies down next to me and I wrap an arm around her. I close my book and just stare into her eyes. I pull her close and feel her inhale shakily. I look at her and see the tears in her eyes again.

"Hey, hey, it's all right. Don't hold back. Let it out."

Kat does as I told her and doesn't hold anything back. I sit up and she lays her head on my chest. I just hold her until she falls asleep. I won't sleep tonight to make sure that I can comfort her if she has a nightmare.

A/N

Well, I'm very sorry for not updating in such a long time! I've been so busy with school and volleyball!! Aside from that, I hope you're enjoying the story thus far and I hope you enjoy this update!

P.S. My school is going to state for football!! It's hilarious because we're all over the hometown news, it's a tradition at my country school for a few boys to grow mullets, and the mullet boys are on the news. It's pretty funny. We literally made t shirts that say "Fear the Beard" 😂😂 In my honest opinion, they should say "The Magic Mullet" but oh well.

P.P.S. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!! Eat lots of turkey and have fun with your family!!