Monster (A Bucky Barnes fanfiction)

Kat Oswald

"So tell me about yourself, why you joined S.H.I.E.L.D.," Bucky says.

"Both of my parents worked--and still work here. So it's a family thing. I grew up in the offices because my dad thought that was the safest place for me. My mom works in the office and my dad worked in the field. He's on office work now," I explain.

"So, your parents are still alive?" he asks.

"Yeah, my dad tried to keep me out of the field, but there was no stopping me. I wanted this so when I got offered my first field job, I took it without asking my parents."

"Did they understand?"

"Yeah, eventually. It's kind of funny, though. I got stuck working on a computer for Insight instead of working in the field. My mom says she always knew I'd become a field agent since I was a little girl. But, my dad was not very happy with me. That was six years ago. He didn't want me to take this job, either. He also wasn't happy when he found out about me working on Insight."

Bucky's face falls, "Yeah, I wouldn't have wanted you to take it if I was your dad. But I'm glad you did."

"I am, too. I think he's okay with it now. I haven't talked to him since we left D.C.,"

"Why not? I think you should call him."

"I just haven't had the ability to. And I'm a little nervous to talk to him. I don't know if he's still upset with me."

"You'll never know if you don't talk to him," he touches my forearm.

"I'll call him later," I tell him.

"Have you had any rough experiences so far in your life?"

"Yeah, I mean everybody has. But no more than anybody else. I've had rough missions, but killing evil people is justified. So when I go to bed at night, the weight of their deaths don't keep me awake."

"You're telling me you've never made a wrong call and killed an innocent?"

"Yes. But, not all of my missions were kill missions. Sometimes they were extracting evidence or saving hostages. The kill missions don't make me feel guilty because the people I had to kill were horrible people."

"You don't have one dark thing about you?"

"Nope. I accept everything I've done because my actions saved people from getting hurt by the person I killed," I reply.

"I feel guilty and horrible about everything. The people I killed had families, children. They didn't deserve to die and I killed them," Bucky all but whispers.

"Bucky, you were brainwashed. You had no control. You didn't know how to fight it. Nobody's blaming you at all."

"I still killed them. Whether I'm being blamed or not, it was still my gun that killed them."

"James, you listen to me right now. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Yes, people are dead. People die all the time. Yes, you killed people. We've all killed people. Steve, Sam, Fury, me, everybody that is here has killed somebody. Nobody blames you for anything except you."

"That's not true. Some of the people here look at me like I'm a monster."

"Then ignore them. I promise that you're not a monster and no one thinks that," I grab his face between my hands, "I don't think you're a monster and you shouldn't either."

I hug Bucky as tightly as I can, not wanting to let him go. He hugs me back gently, trying not to hurt me.

"Thank you for being so good to me," he whispers.