I decide to take Kat's advice and talk to Natasha. She came back to the base a few days ago. I catch her alone and sit by her while she's eating.
"Kat told me to talk to you because you know what it's like to be brainwashed and kill a lot of people," I babble.
"Yeah," Natasha replies, her mouth full.
"How come you don't seem regretful or guilty? How do you handle it so well?" I ask.
She swallows, "I try doing good things now, like being on the Avengers. Saving people instead of killing them. I've learned to deal with it, I guess. The good definitely doesn't outweigh the bad, but I try not to think about it and just think about how I can help or save someone."
"And that helps?"
"Sort of. I still feel guilty and regretful but I've had years to deal with it. You'll start to deal with it better once you really start helping people. And after a while, you'll start to feel less and less guilty."
"How?"
"Well, you can't bring the people you've killed back, their families have moved on, and so should you."
I close my eyes to take in everything she's said, and I get a glimpse of red hair. A memory hits me like a freight train.
"James, how can you just stand there and let him treat you like that?" a woman asks as she lies down next to me.
"He'll hurt me if I talk back," I reply.
"He'll hurt you if you don't say what he wants to hear. Can't you say something to him?"
I touch her blackened eye where he hit her for talking back. I look at her face and her bright red hair.
"James?"
"James, are you okay?"
"James, do you hear me?"
"James, what's going on?" the same voice keeps asking me questions.
"James, are you okay?" Natasha asks.
I open my eyes and look at her. I realize she was the woman in my memory. My eyes widen at the realization.
"Why are you calling me James?"
"That's your name, isn't it?"
"Yes, but everyone else calls me Bucky. I know you."
"What do you mean? I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yes, you do. We were together, at Hydra. You were asking why I never stood up to Pierce. I touched where he hit you. Were we together?"
"Yes, at one point we were. Before Clint found me. Way before, actually. When I first got out of the Black Widow program, you trained me to be an assassin. You taught me everything I know, as well as some other things," she winks.
I blush, "I don't need to know every detail! That's all I remember right now!"
"But don't you remember during your trial when I was on the stand and I said that you didn't remember training me?" she asks.
"Hydra tried to brainwash me again. They got some done. Enough that I don't remember some recent things," I reply.
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Hey, Natasha, thank you. I feel a lot better now that I got that off my chest. Nobody really understood what was going on except for you. I needed someone to relate to and you were that person. Thank you," I consider giving her a hug, but I know neither one of us are that type of person.
YOU ARE READING
Monster (A Bucky Barnes fanfiction)
FanfictionBecoming a fugitive on the run from Hydra, Bucky Barnes must remember who he was and face the allegations of the murders he committed while under Hydra's control. Bucky struggles with the feeling that he's a monster, but he sets that aside to take d...