Sticks and Stones: The Love I Could Never Have

Chapter 6: Not Going To Give Up

I-I fell in love with her, I don't know how and I don't know why, I just did is all.
"If you truly feel like you're in love with this girl then; if you feel like she's amazing, then she won't be easy, if she's easy she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, don't give up but if you give up then you are not worthy. The truth is everyone is gonna hurt you but you just gotta find someone worth suffering for." Ame's inner conscience gave Ame a stern look.
She is worth it to me, worth every ounce of my strength but, I feel like she doesn't deserve a piece of shit like me; she doesn't deserve someone that can't even look at himself in the mirror and accept fact over fiction.
"Look at yourself, wallowing in your own self-pity, get up and fight for her, get up and accept yourself. Accept the fact that you are who you are; stop suppressing your feelings for her, it's not worth it any more. She may not love you but you can still love her, if you really think she's worth the fight then you keep at it, don't hide your feelings because you don't want to make things awkward between you and her."
How am I? You may be my inner conscience but how would you know? We both have never been in a relationship before.
"That's easy enough for a madman to say, after all you are talking to yourself Ame. Do you think a normal sane person does something like this? I mean seriously, here you are walking home and you're talking to yourself. Why! Why must you doubt yourself so much Ame? You say she's worth it yet you don't even show it! You keep suppressing your feelings like this and you'll get yourself killed or worse, you could kill yourself."

Shut it! Ame had a sudden outburst of tears. You know nothing about the fights Nikita and I have had, the many problems we've had, the problems I face everyday. You're just back there in the back of my mind until I need you or my other emotions! It's my fault she doesn't love me, I should have said it to her in person rather then by letter. Maybe then none of this would've happened.
"Stop it!" Ame's inner conscience grabs a hold of him. "Stop blaming yourself for everything, you may not realise it but I have seen everything ever since the day you've been born from when you used to like Shizue, or when you were constantly tortured by every kid you ever knew, when you felt like there was no point any more, when you felt like you had no friends, when you felt like you had no one to trust. Stop this bullshit! You know us very well and we know you very well. Stop acting like we don't know you! You know that we know everything about you!"

Then how come I still feel this way? How come I feel like all the problems that have ever happened revolve around the fact that I can't get over one thing, that I can't get over the fact that she stood up for Jane when I was being bullied by her back then, or the fact that she brought up the topic of me asking her out randomly, the fact that she rejected me, the fact that she doesn't understand this pain in here, right in my heart. The fact that I have never felt like I had ever loved anyone like her. The fact that every time I try making her feel better by complementing her, she finds it creepy. The fact that loving someone and them not returning those feelings makes me feel like shit.

"Ame, stop overreacting! You know she cares for you, you know that she does because she told you that she has felt left out before. Stop acting so pessimistic, stop being so over dramatic. You're only making it worse for yourself, and as if that isn't bad enough, you have to try and make her feel shit as well. Take what I said with a grain of salt but if you really feel like she's the right girl for you, wise up! Wise up and stop trying to make her feel sorry for you so that she will go out with you. She'll never go out with someone that tries that. Wise up and wait for her to be ready, stop acting like a bitch. Stop treating her like it's her fault that she's not into you, you know nothing. What makes you even think you're ready for a relationship? She's not some toy that you can use whenever you feel like it, she has feelings too and she hates to see you upset, that could be why she gave you false hope because she doesn't want to see you upset. Yet you still feel like it's either your fault or hers, you feel like you need a scape goat because you don't want her to see the real romantic side of you because of her not wanting to date you. Stop it! seriously learn from me Ame! I am you, I am what makes you who you are, yet whenever you feel angry I leave and anger takes my place. Look deep into my eyes, look deep into yourself and say "I will make myself stop being the piece of shit I am"

I'll try, I'll try to do it. They look at each other and say "I will make myself stop being the piece of shit I am"