Sticks and Stones: The Love I Could Never Have

Chapter 4: Deep Dark Depression

t's been two whole years since the incidents with Jane and I thought maybe she had changed from her old self and realised her wrongs that she had done but, no she's still the same. The same person who just doesn't realise that what she's doing is hurting me. I thought to myself maybe I should die, maybe she was right, or that maybe I should end up doing self harm but I was too much of a coward to do both of those things. Because I knew if I did that, it would hurt other people than myself and besides; why would I want to leave scars on my body that never go away. Maybe I should kill her I don't know yet, I'm confused both because of Jane and Nikita. So I need your help, come on tell me what I should do? 

Ame was talking to someone online about his rough times, she was one of Nikita's friends in real life. The conversation  went on and on when Ame talked about his depression and his depression slumps. "Well Ame, face it you're both like what thirteen, do you think that you should be dating at this age and now I'm not much of a love guru, I can help with your depression though." Ame was glad that he could talk to someone about his feeling and about his depression. Well you see, I didn't come to talk about my romance life, I came to talk to you because of a sign I had in a dream telling to message you. "Well what are you usually depressed about?" Well like I said, it's more so about the bullying caused by Jane rather then Nikita, in fact only reason I'm depressed about Nikita like I said was because she rejected me and before then she didn't even tell me it was a rejection but, lets not get into detail about that.

"You said you were getting bullied by a girl called Jane?" Yeah, I can tell you just about everything she does. Ame continued to text this girl about Jane and what she's done to him. "Well let me just say, what Nikita tells me is waaaaay different." Well the only reason for that is because she does it behind her back and it really upsets me but, if I'm honest I got more hurt by that one text from Nikita then all the things that Jane has ever done to me and I can say it's because of Jane that she sent me that text. "She never said Jane made her text you that?" What I meant was it's because she was standing up for her but, it wasn't my fault that the head of junior school didn't let her talk and all, and the reason she had to get Involved was because of someone in the year above me seeing the letter I had written to Jane and gave it to a teacher and all this happened during an  exam week, I was getting more and more depressed when I should've been focusing on the exams and I nearly cried when I read that text. Just goes to show how much our friendship meant to me and by that time she had already knew I felt that way for her but, it wasn't NIkita's fault that I got depressed and nearly cried, she was standing up for one of her friends that was with her twenty four seven.

"Are you alright now, that seems like it was rough for you." Yeah I'm fine now, and also this happened before one of my friends birthday parties and she was invited to his party as well so I thought that it would be very awkward but no, we made up in time. I guess I turn into a depressed piece of shit sometimes. "You are not a depressed piece of shit don't say things like that." But it's true, when ever I get depressed I focus on being depressed and focus on that one thing rather then finding out other things that'll make me happy. In my life I have felt this way three times and now it's about to head onto it's fourth if Jane doesn't stop. "That doesn't make you a piece of shit though." Well do you want to hear why I have had three depression slumps. "Well yeah, it'll help me so that I can help you stop being depressed." Well here they are:

My second year of school, people from my form class and outside of my form class were bullying me all because I liked one girl.

Nikita standing up for Jane, entirely not her fault she didn't know the whole story

And last but not least, Nikita rejecting me again not her fault.

And I'm generally not a depressed person but when it comes to bullying I can't handle it, in fact I can't even handle someone hating me.

"Wow, tell me about the things that have happened to you in your second year." Well rumors mostly but, rumors will ruin your life and I managed to have my life ruined and I didn't even know who I could trust or who my real friends were. All because I sat at a table with a couple of girls and eventually that lead to everything that followed but, with the bad times came the good times eventually I found out who my real friends were, now I'm not saying third year wasn't a bad year for me as well but majority of it was good. They bad things that happened to me were the instances of cyber bulling that happened to me but now that I look back on it I realise it was stupid anyway, it was stuff like "I hate you with a passion" or making fun of my typos and saying "uh oh he's dangerous."

"Oh well I know someone like Jane as well, all I do is ignore it you should try it if you can." I've tried...it has failed on my many times, in fact I still have her blocked because of what she's done, but before then I had tried apologizing to her about anything that I had done to her and all I get from her is I'm sure you are and then a tad wee bit unforgivable, when truly now I realise I should'nt have been the one apologizing because I did nothing to her, and I mean nothing but then, things happened and I found one of my friends had bloody hated her and I guess...I fell under peer pressure and joined in with him but I had realised that wasn't the right way and I stopped. Thing is though, he still does it and he did it once on Nikita's birthday to Jane and I was fed up and kept tell him "Stop it, just stop." in fact all of Nikita's other friends including Jane were singing happy birthday to her and all I hear at the end from him is "From her real friends," and Jane was hugging her before as well and I hear him scream at the top of his lungs. Every time I bring the topic back up he says "But I hate her so why should'nt I do these things?" "Do you think its because she had done something to him back then?" Well he has told me that she told him something to him and she did from what I hear from Shizue try to break up their friendship, simply by saying she's not trustworthy of a friend, when she by gods she's one of the most loyal people I know.up until this point my life has been still good but, my school life had been terrible and I don't wanna be pointing fingers at anyone whatsoever so I'm not going to say why it had been terrible. Well I'll talk to you later I've got to go now. "Okay see you later.