My Life As A Cowgirl

Pity

"Just smile and accept people's hugs today Liv, everyone's going to be very understanding I am sure." My mum instructs me as she drives me to school.

I sit in the passenger seat of my mums Subaru listening to my mum speak. Only on rare occasions will my mum drive me to school,  but maybe today she knows I need a helping hand. I am so nervous to face the day as if it were a normal school day.

For everyone else it is just another Monday, but for me, it's my first day going to school without kissing my dad goodbye in the morning, or coming home to him and sharing my day with him in the afternoon.

We pull to a stop outside of the school gates and mum kisses my cheek, she waits for me to get my bag out of the car and drives off.

I stare up at the school gates and sigh, dragging myself to my locker.

As I walk down the path way, I feel every eye burning into my back as I walk past people. I adjust my back pack and hold my head higher in an attempt to look normal.

As I approach my locker, my friends are all standing in a group near my locker laughing and chatting happily.

I walk over and greet them and as if a ghost had just entered the circle everyone stops talking and stares at me.

I frown. When know one knows what to say I turn away embarrassed and start spinning the code into my lock.

Meghan steps out of the crowd and places her hand softly on my shoulder.

"How are you feeling Bub?" She asks sympathetically.

I feel like I am drowning in my pain and I can't breathe.

"Fine." I shrug.

The girls exchange glances and decide not to question me further.

The bell rings and relieved, I grab my books and hurry off to my roll class.

On my way to class I stop at the bubbler and drink. As I lean down to drink the water, my books spill out of my arms and sprawl onto the floor. Before I can lean down to start picking them up, a boy in the grade above who I thinks name is Cole or Connor or something, hurries over and picks them up for me.

"Thank you." I smile weakly taking my books from him.

"It's ok Liv, sorry about your dad." He replies placing a hand on my shoulder and heading off to class.

Great, even the grade 11's know about it.

I arrive at my roll class and walk in and take my seat as I had done 100 times this year.

Mr Gordon looks up from his desk and takes notice of me. I watch him shuffle through a few pieces of paper and write down something. He then holds up a piece of paper to me that he has written:

SEE ME AFTER CLASS

I nod in response and rest my head in my hands.
Not long into the short morning lesson I hear whispers behind me between the girls. I look behind and instantly all the whispers stop and they stare at me like deer's in headlights. I roll my eyes and turn my head back to the front.

The bell rings and while everyone files out of the room, I pack up my things slowly and walk over to Mr Gordon's desk.

Once the last person has left the room Mr Gordon begins speaking.

"I just want you to know that the school is here to assist you in any emotional challenges you may have. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and I know your probably sick of hearing people say that but I truly am." He says.

I nod in reply.

Mr Gordon walks me to the door,

"I lost my mother when I was eleven, I know how rough it is, I have mentioned you to the school chaplain and they will speak with you soon." He says patting me on the back and opening  the door for me.

I flash him an unconvincing smile and walk out the door a little too eager to leave...

As the day goes on all the teachers give me little pity speeches and I just smile and act like I am not secretly hating it. I don't want everyone's pity, I just want to pretend everything is okay and that I am the normal carefree kid everyone knows.

At lunch my friends were very quiet, the girls who always death stare me avert their eyes to the ground, even Fanny Winkle has a subtle softness to her death stares.

When the day is finally over I am keen to leave as soon as possible. But, as I am making my way to the door to escape the class room my teacher holds me back for yet another pity party..

Mrs Beck raves on for quite a while and it is not until she gives me a hug 10 minutes later that I realise I hadn't heard a single thing she had said.

Eventually, I end up escaping the one way conversation and flee to my locker.

The school grounds are almost deserted as the last few stray students evacuate the premises.

I grab my bag from my locker and start the short trek home.

As I round the corner onto my street my phone buzzes persistently in my pocket.

I pull it out and read the text on the screen

Dylan: I need to see you.

I stare at it for a while before shaking my head and pushing it back into my pocket.

A short time later my phone buzzes again.

Dylan: Please..😓

I drop my head and type back.

Me: come see me then..

I walk up my long driveway, open the door and walk inside. I plop my bag down on the kitchen table and pull my school dress over my head as I walk to my room.

I fling open my cupboard doors and pull out the first shirt I see which happens to be a grey V-neck T-shirt and pull on some old denim shorts.

I walk to the back door and pull on my boots and set out to the paddock tying my hair into a loose pony tail at the back of my head.

I run to the stables grabbing Lilly's bridle and running over to her. She lifts her head and whinnies as I come running towards her. I put her bridle on and swing up onto her back.

I just feel like galloping as fast as I can away from here.

And with that, I open my gate and trot out into the big open field next to my paddock and take off as fast as Lilly will go.

The wind snaps and whips at my skin as we gallop away from the house. Tears threaten to roll down my cheeks but I force them to stay behind my eyes.

When we reach the other side of the field and the tall yellow grass fades to shorter blades of green I stop and jump off Lilly.

"Good girl." I Coo to the sweaty horse.

I pull her bridle off trusting she will just get straight to munching on the fresh grass.

As predicted she starts doing this and I lay down near her and stare up at the afternoon sky..

"Hi dad." I whisper staring up at the heavens.