On Thin Ice (editing again)

Chapter- Netflix and No Chill

Razor

Everything about this bothers me. I didn't like how Blaze stopped talking to me, I didn't like how Erica was making me feel. I really didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't want Erica to get between Blaze and I. It wasn't my intention to sabotage my own relationship since I actually saw it going somewhere. But I did. And it sucks.

Erica was over at my house and we were doing schoolwork, but I wasn't thinking about that at all  I had blocked out everything that was going on around me, escaping into my head. I've been bothered by this ever since it happened, and I haven't been right since.

Erica leaned forward and snapped me out of my trance by clapping in front of my face and giving me a gentle shake. I was suddenly back in the real world, and I didn't have much time to gather my thoughts before she started talking to me.

"Razor, are you okay? You've been spaced out for fifteen minutes."

"I- I don't know. Not really, no. I'm just- I just gave a lot on my mind right now and I can't seem to shake it."

"Oh. Well, I know a way to fix that," she responded, getting close to me and pressing her lips to mine. I knew she didn't really like me and just wanted someone to make out with for a while. I played along for long enough, until I knew I just couldn't leave things like this any longer.

As much as I wanted to sit for a while and make out with her in her cheer uniform, I would much rather prefer Blaze in all her hockey gear. Now, it was a matter of what I had to lose the most, and it was Blaze.

I pulled away from Erica, put my school things aside and stood up, grabbing my keys and phone from the table where the rest of our school things were.

"What the hell was that, Razor?"

"I'm sorry, but I really have to fix something."

"If this is about that girl Blaze, she doesn't want anything to do with you. She's really, really pissed and I heard a rumor she's getting with your best friend, Austin. Just stay here with me."

"No, and I'm going to go find out of that's true or not. Please, pack up your things and leave. This is over, whatever we had, okay?"

Before she could go off and yell at me, I was already out the door. I wasn't explaining myself to her any more than I already had.

I started my Jeep, pushing the thought away that she wouldn't want to see me and wouldn't forgive me. I just drove, hoping that the efforts to get her back I was about to make wouldn't be for nothing. I hoped she would forgive me.

At her house, I knocked on the door with one hand and had my other hand shoved into my pocket. I was shaking, either from adrenaline or from the cold weather, which just made matters worse when her dad opened up the door.

"Oh, hi, Razor." He said, not sounding happy to see me. I don't blame him.
"I don't think Blaze really wants to see you right now."

"Please, I came to apologize." I pleaded, biting my lip.

"If she wants you out, you're out." He said, stepping aside to let me in.

"I'm gone." I confirmed.

"Good. Her room is the first one on the left."

I jogged up the stairs and took a deep breath before knocking on her door. She was playing music fairly loudly, and yelled over it for me to come in. I cautiously opened it, and I saw her laying on the floor, tossing a baseball gently up in the air before catching it and tossing it again.

She turned her head when I came in, and in that same moment, she launched the baseball straight at me. I dodged out of the way, but extended my arm out to catch it. I tossed it back to her.

"Before you kick me out, please hear me out."

"Why should I?"

"Because ever since the day I ruined us and caused you to walk away, I haven't been able to think straight. This whole thing doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel the same without you. I just wanted to say that I'm more than sorry and realize my mistakes, and I'm here to ask for your forgiveness."

"Razor, you don't need me. You never needed me. What I think you need is my apology so you can move on and not feel guilty about it. You want my apology so you can hook up with that cheerleader that was all over you without having me on your mind. I don't need you, and I'm not forgiving you because God knows it still hurts just as bad as it did when it happened. I went over there to tell you I wanted to be your girlfriend and I wanted us to be exclusive, but you just threw it back in my face. Go back to the girl you willingly chose over me."

"I told her to leave. Whatever that was, I ended it. I didn't want to hook up with her, no matter how good she looked in her uniform, and you just have to trust me here. I know I lost that trust and it will take me the rest of my life to get it back, but I trust that you're not hooking up with Austin, so it's a two way street here."

"What the hell?! Where did you hear that?!"

"You know, Erica told me, but I think she's not the most reliable source-"

"Okay, I guess we should both be honest here. Did you hook up with Erica?"

"Not really, no. We made out and she tried to take it further but I didn't want to. The only girl I wanted to be with was you. Your turn."

"Okay, Austin and I kissed. It was for like three seconds, nothing serious. That's all."

"Dammit, I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. Oh my god."

"Hey, so suddenly it's okay for you to throw me away for Erica the cheerleader, but it's not okay for me to kiss Austin once? What a hypocrite you are."

"That's not what I mean, I'm sorry--"

"Whatever, Razor. I don't care anymore."

"Can you just tell me one thing?"

"What could you possibly want from me now?!"

"Did you like it?"

"What?!"

"Did you like it, kissing Austin?"

"What do you want me to say? I'm not going to say yes just to make you feel shitty, but I'm not going to say no just so you can feel better about yourself. I liked it, and I hate to admit this, but it wasn't you. I know you're no good for me, but I really like it when you kiss me. I don't need this right now, so can you please go?"

"I'll go, but can you just hear me out for one minute?"

"You don't deserve it! And, I really don't want you to see me cry."

"I know I don't deserve it, and I know this sounds ridiculous but I'm so afraid that I'm going to lose you for him since he's such a better guy than I am and he deserves you so much more than I do, but I want you so badly and I know I can't have you because I've already lost you. I'm just so sorry, Blaze. I know I can't fix this now, but I'm so sorry." I said all in one breath, letting it all go before walking out of her room and slowly picking up my pace until I was flat out running to my car.

I needed to go home.