On Thin Ice (editing again)

Epilogue

I bent down for the face off, letting out a slow, deep breath on my way. I blew a strand of hair away from my face, adjusting my mouth guard with my tongue. I was ready for this. I had always been ready for this.

With an "A" sewn on my jersey and my name and number proudly displayed on the back, I had made it to the state championships with my high school team. Last year, I competed in our district finals and lost by one point in the last second, and that taught me more about disappointment than I had ever learned in my whole life.  But here we are, playing at the State championships.

Here I am, on the starting lineup, playing forward as an assistant captain.

I had worked so hard and sacrificed so much to get here. I fell in love with the sport like you fall asleep, slowly and then you just crash, hit a wall, and pass out. There have been tears shed, blood expelled from multiple orifices on my body, nose, mouth, face, hands...

I had spent too many late nights trying to finish AP homework that was due the next day because hockey ran late. I never thought I would be here now, no longer standing in the background.

How did I get here?

How did I get here, standing in the middle of the ice with the entire rink silent, waiting for the puck to drop? My parents were both here for the first time ever since the divorce, my brother and his entire team were pressed against the glass, and everyone on the team was there, watching attentively.

What was I doing? I don't know how this shit happened nor how I got here. And then it hit me, that this was the last game I would ever play on this team.

You don't realize it when you're starting the year and the season. It doesn't hit you the day before the game, and it doesn't quite make it through to you while you're playing. It only hits you when you're left at the end of the game, wondering if this was it. If it was all worth it.

And it leaves you with the question...
"Did I give everything I had? Did I leave it all out on the ice?"

The answer to the question isn't always simple. Sometimes you get it right when you're on the bus after the game, sometimes it's when you're laying in bed, unable to sleep, and sometimes it's days after the game when you're about to head to practice, but you can't because it's over.

The puck dropped.

This was my welcome to the first day of the rest of my life. To be honest, I didn't like how it felt very much. I still had this lingering feeling that things could have been different, especially with Razor, but they never did. I've accepted that fact that we weren't meant to be. The feelings were there, but nothing fell into place like they should have.

I've stopped trying to put the blame on him, or me, our differences, what was said and what wasn't said that created the downfall of us all. I drove myself crazy thinking about it.

I remember the day things fell apart.

***********************************

It was pouring rain after we had just gotten back from hockey practice and I didn't have an umbrella. Razor had been my consistent ride for most of the season. The car was silent except for the sound of the windshield wipers, the rain patting against the windows and my heart beating.

I bit my lip, the rain triggering the tears that I had been holding back for days. And they finally fell, in front of him.

When we arrived at my house, I jumped out of the car after grabbing my bag from the backseat and ran up to my house, without a word to him. He knew something was wrong and followed me up to my front door. He grabbed my shoulder and tuned me around, only to see my tears.

"What's wrong? You were fine just a minute ago!"

"No, Razor, I wasn't." I admitted. The awning above my door sheltered us from the rain, but we were still getting wet from when the wind blew or when the gutters spilled over.

"What do you mean?!"

"Oh come on! Just make it easy, for both of us. Just say I never mattered!" I cried.

"Blaze, what did I even do?! I'll say it if you need to hear it, even though it isn't true."

"This is a repeat of what happened last year! You were never able to commit to me, and I always caught you at the wrong moments when you were all over some other girl.I saw the way you looked at her and gave into her, and I get it. I do. She's prettier, richer, has a tan, better boobs, even, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT HER, BUT I GET IT. I accept I'll never be like her and that my place in life is in the background. So just leave me alone and tell me we didn't have anything. Don't leave me forever in the dark, just cut it simple and clean, because I don't think I can cope if you don't."

"What, her?! I don't want to piss her off! You saw how she threatened me so sweetly like that. She is capable of a lot, it's nothing against you! Things are gonna end alright, if we could just talk about these things before it gets this far."

"But I don't feel like I can talk to you about this, because then we fight! You just don't see that you like girls that manipulate you, and I can't believe you fall for that every single time when I'm standing right in front of you! You just don't see me for who I am, and Razor, I'm fucking golden."

"We can work on it!"

"Bullshit! Razor, the pain feels the same no matter how you change it. I don't want to do this with you anymore."

"I'll leave if you want me to, but I won't be coming back, I hope you know that."

"Fine! Don't come back then!"

"I will! We're too much alike for us to be in a relationship. It just isn't working out, okay? Let's just say things are over."

"That's what I've been saying ALL ALONG! You never fucking listen to me, and I can't do this with you anymore!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!" We yelled through the rain. I felt like I had to yell even louder at him, because the rain was getting heavier and I could feel him getting farther away from me as I spoke. He yelled once more before he got back in his car, slamming the door shut,

"This, THIS IS WHAT SEPARATES ME FROM YOU!"

Razor got back in his car, and then things were over. It was never what I wanted.

Now, Austin was going to play College Division 1 defense hockey in Boston, Jared was accepted to his dream school, I was going to a school in Virginia, majoring in Business and Marketing, and I didn't know what Razor was doing. I frankly didn't care.

After the fight, it wasn't like we acted like we didn't know each other, it was in a state of content for a while. We still talked a little bit but we never hung out anymore, we wouldn't have nice conversations when he texted me, it was usually for homework, and he would still sit with me at lunch, since Austin and Jared were with us. 

It still hurt every time I saw him. I was slightly thankful that he was still hanging around or else word would have gone around school that the "power couple" of our class is broken up, there would be questions and drama. Besides that, it didn't help that when I tried to get him out of my life, he was still always there. 

I kept telling myself that it would be all over soon, and I was counting down the days until graduation. There were less than three months left in the year and I was holding on for my own sake, knowing that things would be better before I knew it.

I also couldn't help but think that he was such an important part of my life in high school and I probably won't ever see him again. It was a bittersweet ending for me, for us and for my high school career. I wished things were different, but I know I had ample time to change it.

But I decided that if I could go back, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be where I am now if the things that happened to me didn't happen. It makes me wonder if I would have been a different person, and if I would have liked that life better than the one I have now.

I try not to think about it too much, because I feel that if I do, my brain is going to shut down, and l won't get out of it. All I know is that I have to move forward. Because nothing can pin me down here.

The End