My bus was 20 minutes late this morning I have the constant feeling of vomit in my throat and I'm just really fucking sad. If you know me I am 98% happy and cheery, bouncing all around making sure everyone is having a good day. But for some reason today I just felt the need to die. I asked questions like, "If I don't get up will anyone notice." Or "What if I just jumped off my roof head first into the driveway?" "If I were to die would anyone care?" As of late I've been thinkin about just disappearing. Not just running away I mean like gone, dead, forever gone. I even started a list of ways I could kill myself. Some bloody and painful, others painless and clean. Him out of my life I feel so useless, like I don't have a purpose. I can't get him off my mind. Everywhere I go, everything I do, he's there. It's agonizing and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I started cutting again, well more like burning. Last time I did it on my arm everyone found out. Everyone asked questions, therapists, relatives. All with the same repeating word "Why?"
So now I do it on my leg. I burn and burn until it smells of burning flesh, until I can't take the pain anymore. The pain makes me feel alive, makes me feel human.
To top everything off with sprinkles of oh fucking joy.
I messages my friend today to see hope he was doing, he messages me back acting like he had no idea who I was, we've been friends for about a year now and I've done nothing but help him. Help him get a girl friend, help him with friend problems, I even talked him off the edge a couple times, but most of all I helped him by being a friend. So he proceeded to act like he had no idea who I was, even sent me a screen shot to show he didn't have my number saved. So when he asked "Who's this?" I returned with,
"Never mind. It doesn't matter. Sorry for bothering you, have a nice day"
Then he messages back, "Goodbye Gabby. Hope you have a great life."
It didn't hurt too bad that he didn't want to be my friend, it hurt that he just dropped me like that. What hurt the most was not telling me why...
It seems that the time I need a friend the most, they all vanish and leave me to be trapped in my bottomless pit of a mind.
So if I don't write in the next few days you know that I'm gone and thanks to the people who read my work.
YOU ARE READING
My collections
Non-FictionJust a little diary I suppose. I honestly don't expect people to even read this so....
