My collections

I don't know what to do anymore

I'm trying so hard to keep moving but it seems like every time I try to keep going I fuck it up. I've made so many mistakes and I don't know how to fix them. Some are minor mistakes some are major. I just don't know what I should do anymore. I have no one I can turn to, no one I can ask for advice. My best friend got a not boyfriend boyfriend and there for I am irrelevant. That usually happens with her though. She finds a guy and I'm put on the back burner. Well I suppose I'm used to it by now but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I look back at my scars and think about relapsing again, if I dont feel nothing I might as well feel pain. Maybe I should just cut myself away from the world. Seclude myself from socializing. Only leave my house for work and school. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's ok. Or it's going to be ok. I keep telling those around me that I don't know how to express my feelings. They don't believe me and assume it is just a minor case of shutting people out. But I really don't know how to tell people I feel. I have been through so much shit that it just draws a blank to me. I have been fucked over by friends that I don't know how to open up to them without thinking I'm going to get hurt. Same goes for any type of relationship. I told someone I loved them once and they left me to dry. They ran without a trace, not even a good bye. Grinded my heart to powder and just left. How does one recover from that? I want to, I want to oh so bad. I just don't know how and it's tearing me apart, it's ruining my life. Because I don't know how to fix myself. I can't go back to how I was. I don't think I would be able to come back to who I want to be. 

I don't know who I am anymore,