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There was Hope

I thought I was getting better. I've been going out with friends, my mind isn't constantly on offing myself. Movies, roller skating, hanging out in town, being with friends... They're all a distraction. It's moments like this where I'm alone in my room, in the dark, that the monsters come out and play. I can't have distractions 24/7, he used to be my distraction. I used to talk to him the second I woke up to when I would fall asleep on him. I remember a couple times I would get him going just to leave him hanging because I passed out from exhaustion. I always felt bad but he always forgave me. Told me he understood that I was tired and said I could make it up next. And I always did. Trust me I always did. I think some people are actually reading this. I don't know. But those of you reading this are probably thinking, "Oh wow she's so depressed over a boy, great." The thing is, I'm depressed about a lot of things but I've been dealing with them for years so I've learned how to deal with them. I've learned how to keep them in, just to figure it's a part of life. I've never had my heart broken like this before. Broken is an understatement, crushed into dust seems more appropriate. I'm trying to cope with it and writing it down seems to help ever so slightly. It's just when something reminds me of him I remember how stupid I am for letting go of something so precious to me. If I could take back that day I would. In a heart beat. And if he would ever talk to me I would do nothing but apologize and let him know I love him.

I just want to go back to the days where you asked to hold my hand, and our dreams of college together, and the dreams of living together. How's my fennec fox doing? I hope he's behaving himself. Anyway...

Thank you guys for supporting me even if it is just skimming through what I write.