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It's been awhile kiddies

The last time I wrote in here was on April 4th, 2015. It is now February 7th, 2017, and for that I apologize. I know I left off in a pretty dark space. Fortunately, I can say I am in a much brighter spot in my life. Of course there is a few shaded areas, and even some that are pitch black, but I can say for the most part I am ok. I am currently in the Vet Tech program and doing great. I have a job that, like all jobs. I dread going to but in the end I love the people there and I love what I do. I got my permit (fucking finally) and I am well on my way to getting my license and tasting a new type of freedom. I have great friends. Some old that I reconnected with and some new whom I met in college. 

Now here comes the brightest part. I met a guy. He is no ordinary guy. He is a ray of sunshine, a glorified light that shines down onto the Earth. Yeah, rays of sunshine can get annoying and shine too bright in your eyes, but they are needed. Especially for someone who is used to being in the dark. He makes me feel beautiful, like I am actually worth something. Like I belong on this Earth, I deserve to live. Here comes the shady part.... My past keeps coming up. Abuse, deception, rape, just overall fuckery. It affects me in so many ways, I don't want it to. I have been through so much that my brain has re-programed itself. Trust no one. Shut yourself out. You can't get hurt if no one gets in. Build your walls higher. Trust no one. Trust no one. So even though my heart is telling me "Go for it. Trust him. He's different. It's time to heal Gab. Enough of being alone. You're tired of carrying the world on your shoulders when you know you don't have to. Let him in." My brain is squishing my heart with its giant foot screaming me to run in the other direction. I want to trust so hard it hurts, but I just can't. Maybe one day, just not today. Maybe one day you can love unconditionally. Maybe one day you can love him. And one day I want to. 

Now, the reason I have returned is because this ray of sunshine decided to go against my wishes and look at my private thoughts (man I hate when people get into my head and try to pick it apart). Let me shine some light on the situation. I have not let anyone I know read these little diaries. Not even my best friend of 8 years (the sole person I trust 100%). This diary has a past that I did not want to share with my future, hence why I told him not to read it. But him being the curious kitten he is, he just HAD to do it. Yes, I am hurt and upset. Yes, I trusted him to not look into it and he did anyway (doesn't help with the trust issues but that is another chapter). I have had time to breathe, to calm down. I have had time to re-read what I wrote in the past and come to a conclusion. I am NOT the same person I was when I wrote those. The guy I wrote about back then is long gone and I could give two shits what he is doing now. That good bye letter I wrote to him still stands. I am not some sad little girl who cries over spilt milk. I am strong. I am my future. Although I am still upset at him I am glad that this situation has happened because it made me look back on how I used to be and realize that I am stronger. Even when it seems like I take three steps back I know I am taking four more steps forward. So. thank you Ocean. Just let me sleep on it and I will forgive you by morning. Oh and by the way, I was trying to find the nutrition book on your amazon and saw the socks you ordered. You ain't slick. :)