PAIN is LOVE

can we be?

I looked at TJ.

Dabs must be lying. TJ is not capable of murder.

"is it true?"

I felt Thabile's hand try to comfort me. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I needed a hug. No. No one was supposed to look at me. I was so confused

"yes, I killed someone. I'm not proud of it, I won't blame anyone for it either but it happened. " I could trace remorse in his voice but he was trying to hide it. he didn't want to give Dabs the satisfaction she wanted. I didn't want to give Dabs that satisfaction either so I leaned closer to TJ and gave him a hug. I wanted to comfort him but I also wanted to comfort myself. He held me tight and I allowed my tears to stream down my cheeks onto his black shirt

"you know what. I'm through with this! You two idiots deserve each other. This is pathetic!!" I heard scurry away and soon her footsteps were no more

"you two have a lot to talk about. call me when you get home" That was Thabile and she too was gone.

I didn't want to move from TJ's hold.

I felt safe.

"I would take it back if I could" TJ said after what seemed like ages. I looked at him wondering what to say. I was the worst person when it came to comforting using words, more times than often I left the people feeling worse

"I never intended for it to happen and even though no punishment would ever be enough for taking someone's life, I suffered my part as well" I hope he doesn't cry

"I was trying to save my mom. She was high, a couple of days after my father was arrested. She was falling apart Rea. I was just trying to save my mom" his voice was scary low

"it's okay TJ. It happened, its in the past now"

" the guy was drunk. He followed my mom home from the brothel. I don't know what happened between them but he had a gun. it was right there in his hands and he was pointing it at her. I did what I thought was best" he stopped speaking and his embrace became tighter. too tight to be accurate but I didn't want to seem insensitive by asking him to stop squeezing me.

"I tackled him and in the next minute he was dead. I killed him"

"that does not make you the bad guy TJ. It was a mistake"

"He was drunk, I knew what the chances of pulling the trigger were but I also know that it was not my intention to kill him" he finally let me go and his eyes soaked into mine

"I love you" I found myself saying

"Not as much as I love you. I had something for you" his hands went into his back pockets and a card emerged with them when they returned. He handed it over to me

''an invitation card''

''I wanted you to be the first one to see it, well it was meant for you alone'' I stared at him, love shining through my eyes ''the day you were going to the library I was planning to give it to you, but hey, I guess Dabs blew it for me."

"Well you weren't expecting me to act like I didn't see anything. were you going to tell me though?"

"Honestly, no. I was hoping it would never happen again but when you refused to talk to me, I knew you had seen it all and believe me I know what it feels like to see things from a distance'' I looked at him then opened the invitation card

"so you gave up on me?"

"No. I wanted to give you space to heel the best way you knew how"

I opened the card ''is it your birthday?''

''just read it and you'll see''

I started reading

you are kindly invited to indulge in the love that is being given to you by TJ Dlamini.

Venue: His Heart that only beats for you

Time: as long as you both shall live

In God's grace, would you be a sweetheart and accept this invitation

To: Rea Motaung

"I never new that you could be a romantic as well"

"you make me do silly things" he said in a shy tone

"A 9 for your creativity, 9 for your patience, 9 for being you and..." before I could finish his lips were already on mine. My hands involuntarily went around his neck and my head tilted to its side.This was it, my first real kiss!

I could feel the butterflies in my tummy coming to life and the thoughts that I had slowly vanishing. there was nothing else in this world except TJ, myself and the kiss

" I thought I should collect all the 1's from your lips. now everything is a perfect 10"

I looked at him dreamily. Short of words.

"I love you Rea" and I felt like it was a perfect ending to a romantic book. Except of cause in my head we were running under the setting sun with doves soaring in the sky.

" I love me too" I said running down the stairs and him following behind me. I might as well make it a reality

"you going to be late for class! This is not a chick flick movie" he yelled behind me

The End

16 years and 11 months down the line and I cannot believe I made it to the finish line. Am I who I think I really am? eleven months ago it was a blurry question but now I can confidently say YES! This is me and i'm not afraid of life :)