Fly Away (Michael Jackson)

nine

Let's say it's true. 

What I don't understand is how Michael hasn't told me himself. And I know him, he's not some innocent, shy guy that he seems to be. He flirts. He plays. But because he does that with lots of women, I just never saw that as special treatment. Or him showing me his way of saying he was interested in me. I never knew what he meant when he would flirt with me. But I never took it seriously because of what he does so with everyone. And there's no judgement for that - he's single, and I mean, he should live, right?

And it's not like he would flirt like crazy all the time, he was still serious when he needed to be, and it was fun having both sides of him. I, myself, am a natural flirt that can't help but be gushy back. I hope I didn't instill false hope in him, but to be fair, I could've easily had false hope as well.

The back door opened and Jermaine strolled in, going for a drink in the fridge. He saw me sitting alone and furrowed his eyebrows.

Jermaine came down and sat with me. He actually sat down and talked with me. Asked questions about my life. I was very short answered because I was thinking about Michael. It was a shame because what he had to say sounded interesting, but I couldn't find the headspace to listen to what he was talking about. Once Jermaine saw that I wasn't full-heartedly into the conversation, he asked about what's eating away at me. That's when I questioned myself if I should completely burst out in questions and emotions or wait it out until Janet and LaToya come back with a confirmed answer. I hesitated and replied with a quick, "It's nothing, I'm fine, I'm sorry."

He tilted his head to the side, "I'm pretty sure you're lying to me," and smiled.

I politely smiled, shaking my head, "Really, I'm okay, I was just -" I paused.

"What?" he asked.

I breathed in heavily, laughing out of embarrassment, "Janet and LaToya just, cornered me on my feelings for your brother. And they told me he's still in love with me and I just don't know if I want to believe them or -"

"Bonnie," he cut me off, "Don't take this the wrong way, but Michael's...an older man now. You may have been his first love, but love changes through the years. He's got a girlfriend anyway,"

My heart froze and shattered into embarrassment with those last words. My face glared a bright red and my cheeks were so hot I could feel the heat radiating off me. I knew Jermaine could see it plain as day. I was slowly sinking into myself wanting to disappear and wanting to go back home. I look so stupid. But I can't look hurt now, I'll look even worse. What is wrong with me? I swallowed the pit in my throat and reluctantly asked, "He does?"

"Her name's Tatum. And I'm sorry, about my sisters. They have been wanting this for a while, but I don't think they knew about Tatum. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

I shook my head, "No, that's okay. I needed to hear that, thank you, Jermaine."

He shrugged, "Tatum's a nice girl. I haven't seen her around since Michael's been with you, but I just wanted to let you know that she's in the picture, at least she was the last time I checked." He got up and started walking away from the awkward tension that now filled the room.

I nodded, "Alright. Thank you." I excused myself and walked outside to the lawn, and sat on the floor, head in hands, with all my frustration. I knew it. I knew it not to get my hopes up. Of course he's got a girlfriend. Why would I ever believe that Michael's still in love with me? And Jermaine's got a point. Love changes and I had my chance - I blew it. And I believe the Tatum he's referring to is Tatum O'Neal who is - pretty... I guess. If that's what it is, then I don't need to be here, possibly "ruining" what they have. And it's not like I'm going to be here forever anyway. I'll just find a cheap house in Gary and work as a waitress or something. I just can't be here. I can't. The embarrassment is practically eating me alive at this point.

But I also couldn't leave without commotion, if I so choose. My car obviously wasn't here, I came via chauffeur. I shook my head, for letting anything get into my head. It was foolish of me to even believe for a second he held on to what he felt as a kid. It's ridiculous to think that, we'd been apart for years and gone so long without seeing each other. Crushes die, and I think that's all I was, a childhood crush.

I actually feel so out of place being here, I want to go home. This isn't my family anymore, I'm just a childhood friend back who has grown out of her place in this family. I know nothing of this lifestyle and I need to see myself out in the easiest way possible

Janet and LaToya were spotted a distance away from me. They couldn't see me but I could see them. They were talking to Michael. A man who, just minutes ago, I saw as my friend, and that's it. But with the help of his lovely sisters... 

I am now in love with every aspect him.

I will finally admit it to myself - I'm in love with Michael. It's probably because I can't have him. Which is the sickest way of love but I can't help it now. He and I could have been happy and I let time and distance come between us. I want this, I want him, but he has someone. Someone that makes him happy. Who am I to take that away from him and waste his time once again? Might as well let this week pass, and finally let him go. I know I don't fit in his world anymore.