Don't Deny

13

xiii. Hints Were Given

Youngjae's POV

I dropped myself on my bed. I let out a sigh. It's been five days after Daehyun's confession, but it still bothers me. Not in a bad way. But, not in a good way too. Wait, I don't even know. I'm split into two. I don't know if I like him or not. People say, if you like someone you would know easily or immediately. But in my case, it's neither those two.

There's this part of me saying that I like him, and another part of me saying that I don't, it's all just in my head. But I really want to know. I don't want to be in the middle. I want to know my true self. I want to know my true feelings for Daehyun.

I need help. Professional help.

________

"So what do you think?" I asked him. "Depends hyung, what do you feel when you're around him?" Suprisingly, Jongup wasn't very shocked when I said that Daehyun had feelings for me. He even said that Himchan hyung also has a 'thing' for Yongguk hyung.

"How do I feel?" I asked him and tilting my head to the left. "You know, what do you feel when he talks to you. What do you feel when he smiles because of you? Does your heart beats faster when he holds you or something?" He asked. "Well there were times when I felt nervous. But that can be anything right?" I asked him as I leaned back on the chair. Jongup then squinted his eyes, and stroked his non-existing beard.

"You know what hyung, just follow your heart. Your heart tells you what you really want. Don't feel like really really bad if you reject Daehyun hyung. If he really loves you, he will understand and you guys can continue as best friends" Jongup said then gave his sunflower smile. I pursed my lips together and nodded. "Yeah, I think so too" I said then stood up. "If there is anything, Jongup the moving counseling center is here for you" He said then gave his sunflower smile again. "Yeah sure, thanks Jongup-ah" I said then gave him a thumbs up. I left the practice room to go to the rooftop.

I walked on the small garden. I sat on the grass. My arms supporting myself from the back as I look up the clear blue sky.

"Fine, I'll stop. You're right, I'm not gonna remember any of this tomorrow but I just wanna say that, I love you"

"I want you to take notice if I changed, Youngjae. I want you to pay attention to me. I want you to care about me"

"You never notice, I've changed Youngjae. You didn't notice. I've been giving you hints but, you didn't notice"

"You make me go crazy"

"You can say that I changed maybe, for the good. Because I'm being true to myself. True to my feelings"

"Just be open to yourself. Be yourself. If you know this is you, don't deny it. Never deny yourself. Because you are you. Don't change, because it's you"

He's been giving me hints all this time. I'm so blind and stupid to not notice that. I just thought that he was joking and he didn't meant to kiss me, he didn't mean it when he said he loved me.

I just took it all as a joke.

_________

We've just finished practicing for 1004 (Angel) so we are now heading to the dorm. As Yongguk hyung opened the door, all of us ran to our bedrooms to lie down on our fluffy, comfortable beds. Our beds only understand our tiredness. I dropped myself, face first on my bed. I didn't bother to change my sweaty t-shirt and sweatpants.

I extended my arms out as if I was hugging it. "I love you bed" I mumbled on the sheets of the matress. I heard a chuckle. "You look like a dead whale from here" Daehyun said, I assumed from his own bed. "Yahhhh shut up!" I shouted. After sometime, I heard the sound of the bedroom door shutting. I turned my head to not see Daehyun anywhere.

I sat up straight and leaned on the headboard. I closed my eyes as I let the pain of my feet, from dancing take over me. I opened my eyes and my eyes started to roam around the bedroom. Then I saw some pieces of paper and a pen on Daehyun's nightstand. Is Daehyun writing lyrics? Daehyun doesn't write lyrics. Maybe.

I'm starting to be very very curious so I went over his nightstand and took the pieces of paper. I sat on his bed as I read the contents of the paper.

Heart's beating faster and faster
Hand's are shaking and shaking
Lip's are trembling and trembling

I get nearvous and excited
When you look at me
And I like that feeling
Please look at me more.

I remembered that I have read this during our Badman era. He already wrote alot. I continued to read.

When you look at me
I feel excited, happy, nervous, overwhelmed, anxious
It feels like my heart is about to burst.

If I don't see you for a day,
I think I'll go crazy!

Sometimes I wonder,
Do you think of me?
Do you wish for me to be beside you?
Do you want to be in my embrace?
Sometimes I realised,
It's imposibble for you to like me back
It's imposibble for you to want me the way I want you
It's impossible for us to be together

I keep having negative thoughts,
I'm wishing for you, who can comfort me
You, who will say 'Its going to be okay' to me

I have no one to say that rather than myself
I don't want to be lonely
I want to be with you

Months are passing by really quickly
Time is going really quickly
Everything is going really quickly
But why am I so slow?
I'm waiting for the pause in my life.
The pause that time stops.
Everything stops.

Except for my beating heart.

When that happens, I'll for sure tell you.
It will take just one day, one hour, one minute to say one thing.

I want to tell you
I want you to accept me
I want you to know,

Yoo Youngjae, I Love You.