I Miss You, Daddy

8 - black

March 16, 2019

                Hi, Daddy.

I didn't talk to you for the past days because nothing happened.

I mean, some things happened, but it was all the same. We went to see you, Mum would try to explain to me what was happening, then we would go home. We meant me and Uncle Louis because Mum still didn't want to go home. Uncle Louis said he will always be with me for those days since he didn't want to look inside the box. He also said he was the only one with no one else to take care of. Uncle Harry had Aunt Joanna and Darcy, and Uncle Liam was with Uncle Niall and Aunt Isabel.

But today, Mum went home. Finally! But she still looked sad even when I hugged her. She has no sleep, Uncle Louis said. And she still didn't want to sleep. It made me worry about her.

She went to her room. Your room, but you weren't there. When Uncle Louis asked her what would make her feel even just a "tad bit better", she said, "Just please leave me alone, Louis." I said sorry to him for Mum. She was having a bad day.

After a few minutes of playing with Uncle Louis, Mum peeked into the room and told me to dress in black. Uncle Louis and Mum were already in black.

I don't like the colour black, Daddy. It's dark and scary, like horror movies. But Mum said I had to.

When I was in my black dress already, Mum started sobbing. "Zayn bought you this dress." She shook her hair and added: "I can't take this anymore. Zayn..."

Uncle Louis pat her back. He carried me, and we went to a different place this time. It was like a garden, but the stones had names on them. We walked to go there. The whole time, Uncle Louis' arm was around Mum trying to comfort her.

That should be you, Daddy, because no-one can make Mum smile like you do. But you're not here. Where are you? I love being with Uncle Louis, but I miss you. I want to be with you, Daddy. Aren't you okay yet? Aren't you awake yet?

In one part of the garden, there were so many people. As in really many, Daddy. We passed by them to get to the front. While we passed, people were saying a lot of things to Mum. Mum had shades on, and I don't know who she was looking at.

Near the middle, I saw Grandma Trisha and Granddad Yaser. Mum went straight to them, and Uncle Louis and I followed. Your sisters were there too. Aunt Safaa took me from Uncle Louis. He went to your friends. All four of them were here too.

They were all crying again, so I cried too. I didn't know what they were all crying about, but I was crying because you weren't there.

You weren't anywhere, Daddy. I thought you were always with your family and friends, but we were here, and you're not. It made me worry even more about you.

The white box was here too. Your friends came close to it one by one. They stopped and said some things about you, then they'd go to the box and say something there. Grandma and Granddad did the same too, and your sisters all at the same time. When it was their turn, Aunt Safaa gave me to Mum.

Then it was Mum's turn. Everyone looked at her, so I did too. I miss her smile, Daddy.

She said something to everyone then came closer to the box. Daddy, it's you!

But you're still sleeping. Daddy, wake up.

"I'll miss you so much, babe. I love you." Mum used her free hand to touch the glass above your face. "I love you so much, Zayn."

She leaned me down closer to you, so I told you something too.

"Daddy, wake up. Make Mum stop crying."

Nothing happened. I did the same thing Mum did a while ago. When I touched the glass, I felt cold suddenly. "Say goodbye to Daddy, Baby," Mum told me. I looked back at your sleeping face. Goodbye? Where are you going, Daddy?

Mum started to step backward, but she only took one. I looked at her.

And I saw you.

It was just for a while, Daddy. You were there. You kissed her cheek. It didn't look like it was really you, but it still was you. You were there.

Then you went away. You didn't even look at me. I pulled on her and told her that you were there, but she didn't look. She was looking at the white box. I looked back at the white box also, and they were putting in down in the ground. "No! Daddy will still wake up!"

Daddy, please wake up. Don't go to Heaven yet. Please, Daddy.  Get out of that box and tell me and Mum that you love us.

"Zayn's gone forever, Baby."

"Where's Daddy going?" I asked Mum.

Mum looked up. "Heaven."

Daddy, I felt something hurt so bad in my chest. I felt like my heart break into a lot of pieces inside me. I think I understand now. Daddy, you're gone. Forever.

I looked up at the sky and shouted, "Daddy!" Did you hear me, Daddy? I screamed at the Heaven again. I kept shouting and shouting until I was crying, and it was hard to breathe.

"Zayn," Mum whispered. "Don't leave us."

I cried even harder, Daddy.

"I love you, Daddy."

You can't be gone forever.

"I love you, Zayn."