I Miss You, Daddy

9 - videos

April 18, 2019

                Sorry, I don't write to you much anymore. I write you letters on cards and white paper, and Mum and I give it to you. No, we give it to your stone when we visit you everyday. When we're there, Mum and I tell you about everything we did for the day.

Zayn Javadd Malik. Your name is nice, Daddy. But the dates under your name were not nice at all. January 12, 1993 - March 12, 2019.

Mum gives you letters too, Daddy. Do you read them there in Heaven? I read one of her letters while she was asleep on your stone, and I copied this.

"I don't believe you're gone, Zayn. I know you're just there."

I believe that too, Daddy. I know you'll wake up and be home soon.

April 29, 2019

                While Mum doing something in her room alone, I opened the computer and went to YouTube. I was slow in typing, but "one direction video diary" appeared right when I typed in "one direc". I opened the first video.

I remember Mum letting me watch video diaries on her phone before. They were the ones of you by the stairs. This one was one of those videos too, Daddy. What I could remember from this video is that Uncle Louis said you were the vain one. I already know that, Daddy. You're always in front of the mirror fixing your hair. If not, you're with Mum taking pictures.

I also watched those ones where you and your friends are squeezed on one big couch. Then there was one where you were on theatre chairs. I like the energy juice part. You're really so funny, Daddy.

You have a lot of videos of your songs. I think the one I like most is Live While We're Young even if I watched the video a million times already because of Mum. I like the one where you're in the small boat. And then there's the part that you have a big microphone. I also like it when you keep making faces to the camera. You're really weird, Daddy.

My favourite video is the one where you and your friends were playing with dolls. I asked Mum what it was when she saw me, and she said it was when you and your friends were on Twitcam. Mum said she loved that too. Uncle Liam was playing with the Uncle Niall doll and said, "Ireland, Ireland, Ireland!" That's really funny because Uncle Niall is from Ireland. And then the Uncle Louis doll says, "Stripes, stripes." And then the you doll says, "Chillin'. Zayn is chillin'." I really laugh because I imagine you in a fridge. And you keep saying "Vas happenin'." I mean, your doll. It's cute and it's funny.

I also have another favourite. It's not a video, but the title was, "Zayn Malik Nokia Ringtone". It's so noisy! You keep shouting "Vas happenin'," and that's the only thing I could really understand. You and your friends are weird, Daddy. Maybe that's why Mum says you have weird fans.

When I watch videos of you, I see why Mum loves you so much. You're so funny, even if sometimes I don't understand your jokes. You're also so handsome like all your friends. And your friends are like your brothers. I want a brother, Daddy. Or a sister. Or four sisters. Or four brothers! Like you have. It's really fun.

I saw your twitter too, Daddy. You use 'x' at the end all the time. I asked Mum, and she said that's like a kiss. That makes sense because I saw your tweet to her before, you said, "i can make dat real x". You spelled "that" wrong, Daddy. Mum should teach you how to spell.

When I told Mum what I did today, she cried when I told her. She misses you a lot, Daddy. I do too, but I try my best not to cry because that will make Mum cry harder. I just rub her back and tell her I'm still here for her. It makes her smile a bit, but not the way she used to smile when you were here.

I asked Mum to write here what she told you when you were put in the ground. She remembers everything by heart.

"There's no time enough in this world to even begin to explain Zayn. We've all watched his life, and no matter what point of view it comes from - friend, family or fan - we all see the same him.

"I don't know what to say because I don't fully accept this is real. I know I never will, and I doubt that any of us will.

"There's even no point in saying goodbye to you, Zayn. Even you didn't give one goodbye to any of us. Not a single one. Not on the phone, not on Twitter, not in real life. No, you never said goodbye. Even when you left the house for your tour, you told Bea and me that you'll see us later.

"I don't ever think I'm going to see you in Heaven, Zayn, because my life is already a living hell without you here. It's been only 4 days, but even when it gets to 4 weeks, months, years, decades or even centuries, nothing is going to get better. Nothing."