I Miss You, Daddy

11

February 21, 2031

                Hey. Where have you been, Daddy? You've missed a lot!

Kidding. I know you're up there watching my whole life - and Mum's too -, but I'll fill you in on the things that happened since you were gone. I mean, sure I've been doing that before, but I was a little girl and of course I had a completely innocent perspective about life then. At least you can hear me a bit more mature now.

Well, I got this notebook back from Uncle Louis three weeks ago. I forgot his name when I first saw him since I haven't seen him in a long time. Actually, Mum and I haven't seen any of your four friends ever since that time I lost my temper on Uncle Louis - who has now insisted that I call him Lou - when I was 7, right before I turned 8. See, I saw him and Mum laughing together while they prepared for the celebration, and I got mad. I thought he was trying to replace you in Mum's life, so I told him I never wanted to see him again. Then Mum apologised to me knowing, saying, "You're right, dear."

Now I know though that I wasn't right at all. That was the first time I've ever saw Mum happy since you left, and I had to right to deprive her of that happiness she was longing to have. I guess it just hurt a child like me to see Mum happy with someone else. Eventually, Mum told me she never really even looked at Lou that way. She just really loved being in his company; his presence that time comforted her of our loss, but that never, in any way, made her forget how much she loves you.

I'm really lucky - blessed - that I have a fangirl for a Mum. I finally found out what fangirl meant when I came across a band called 5 Seconds of Summer. They were pretty old for me since they were only a year younger than Mum, but when Lou and Uncle Liam brought her to one of their reunion concerts or something, I fell in love with them instantly. That was before the time that Lou and I fought, of course. Mum wasn't completely happy, but she seemed to really be enjoying. I too enjoyed a lot. I loved their songs, and though they were middle-aged, they looked really good. Of course I found bands for my age level too, and Mum always supported and understood me. She'd help me save up for albums and concerts, and she didn't get mad when she saw me kissing a magazine. In fact, she said it reminded her of her teenage life. Before she met you. And of course, it used to be your picture on a poster that she kissed. If you ask me, Daddy, that is so much worse that the magazine.

We also went for a vacation from the country Mum came from. It's beautiful there, Daddy. I was 11 then, so when I came back to school, my classmates in the 5th grade were really interested in my story. They told me they were trying to convince their parents to take them there too. I promise I'm taking my future kids there one day, Daddy.

Oh, while we were there, we got to meet Mum's friend Bea, the girl you got my name from. She's really pretty, Daddy. I thanked her for my name, and she thanked me for carrying her name with a face that looked so much like yours. She's married and has a little girl too, 3 years old at that time. Guess what her name was, Daddy. Nikki!They really are best friends; they named their children after each other.

The last significant event that happened since I last wrote to you here was that one time when I was 13 that Mum allowed me to visit you alone. There was a stranger there. He was crying and talking to you, but I had no idea who he was. I came close, and I saw that he had a scar on his forehead. He looked around 3 or 4 years younger than you were the last time I saw you. I asked him who he was, and he only returned the question, asking me if I was your daughter. When I nodded, he engulfed me in his arms and apologised.

Apparently, he was the man in who was driving the car you almost ran into. He was the one who told me what really happened that night of the accident. He was drunk and was in a hurry to go home to beat his wife up. Wow, I thought that time. He should have been the one who left and not you. He overtook the slow car in front of him on the highway, and that's when he saw your car approaching right in front of him. He simply honked at you, not being in the right state of his mind, and you were the one who gave way to him. Unfortunately though, your car skidded on the side railings, breaking it, and bumped into a tree. He immediately stopped and ran to your car. He was able to call Lou from your phone, and he arrived there at once. Ambulance arrived too, but they were too late.

He kept apologising to me as he cried, and pain stung in my heart. When I wriggled from his hug, I had the urge to slap him and hurt him as much as I could. When I glanced at your name though, all I did was forgive him from somewhere deep inside my heart. Upon seeing your name, I knew that you wouldn't want me to hurt him. That won't change the fact that you were gone. In fact, that would just make me a bad person, and I know that's something you didn't want me to be. "Always remember: my Daddy saved your life. He risked his for yours," I told him before he left. And he replied to me: "I never forget and never will." And for some reason, that was enough for me.

I asked Lou to stay with us at home, and he's been there for almost two weeks now. He told me he was never able to find anyone to settle down with, the obligation that you left him of taking care of me and Mum haunting him. When he was away from us, he never contacted us, but he was surely worried about us. He told me he kept praying that we stay safe until the time that he has the courage to come back and protect us again.

Now, when I see them together - him and Mum -, I don't see any love for each other in their eyes, but I see that strong sense of care and concern from Lou's. He's taking your words seriously, Daddy. He's keeping Mum and me safe. He's done almost everything for us; he's our bodyguard, driver and cook, but he's our friend at the same time. Thank you for entrusting us to him, Daddy. I know you've always been watching us from above and sending us an invisible forcefield from harm, but having Lou here is a bigger reassurance. I have no other way of explaining it other than when he's here, I feel like a part of you is here too.

My sweet 16 is in a few days, and all my closest friends are coming, and I invited yours too. I hope they'll all be there. Four of them are on the list of those 16 people I'm going to dance with.

Then there's that last spot: my dance with my father. That's what my other friends did on their celebrations, and that's what I want to do too. I know I can't, and I've accepted that through the years. Back then, I was determined to only have 15 dances, but tonight, I filled that last spot up with the name Louis Tomlinson. Of course I had to fill up another blank that was left open when I moved him to that last one, but that didn't create any hassle.

Sure, Lou is not my father. He's a long shot from being you, and he doesn't even want to live up to you. He told us once: "No one is ever going to love you as much as Zayn ever did. I'm just here to fulfil the task he gave me." You should have been in that last dance, Daddy, and you are - here in my heart. I hope you don't feel like I'm replacing you with Lou, and I know you don't feel that way, but let me just tell you that if it could be you, it would be.

Trust me, Daddy; though our lives seemed to have gotten better, none of us have forgotten you. And like Mum said on the day of your funeral, she never will. We all never will. You're always in our hearts. You're always in my heart, Daddy, no matter what.

- Bea

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This story is not yet done, okay?

~ N