I Miss You, Daddy

10 - cries

February 23, 2021

                All your four friends are here in our house today. Aunt Joanna and Darcy were with Uncle Harry, Aunt Isabel, who had a big tummy now, was with Uncle Niall, and Uncle Liam and Uncle Louis came here together. All-in-all, there were 9 of us there. That was a lot, but it was still incomplete because you weren't there.

We had spaghetti and cake today, Daddy. Mum said she'd celebrate early. When Uncle Niall asked her why, she said she wanted the two of us to celebrate my real birthday with you. That made me smile while I was eating my cake. At least she didn't forget that you weren't here. Then again, I think no-one will ever forget.

Everyone left after that, and Mum told me she wanted me to sleep in your room. She let me sleep in your spot. While she was taking a shower, I opened up your closet and got one of the shirts you left. I wore it on one of the pillows. When Mum opened the door, I held the pillow up to her face and said, "I love you, Nikki!" She smiled and tears were obviously in her eyes. She hugged me and apologised, but I told her it wasn't her fault. I told her I still believed you were coming home.

I fell asleep for a while, but I woke up in the middle of the night. My back was turned to Mum, but I heard her sobbing. I turned my head to see what she was doing, and her back was turned to me too. Still, I could see light and hear you and your friends’ voices and laughs. I knew what she was doing.

When are you coming home? I'm worried about Mum. She still keeps crying. She keeps watching your videos, especially the one where you are dancing. I think she misses you.

It's almost my birthday again, Daddy. Please come home soon.

I miss you, Daddy.

June 27, 2021

                I don't like writing here anymore, Daddy. It makes me cry. It makes me remember you too much. But I still will. I feel like when I write here, you can hear me from the Heaven. Maybe if you hear me, one day, you'll come home.

I draw here a lot. That's what fills this notebook up now: my drawings. Drawings of me, you and Mum all together. I also did my best to draw a picture on you on the cover.

Mum found a job. She's an author, Daddy. She writes really good books, but they are all about tragic things. While she's doing that, she's also an English teacher in high school. She said it was something you wanted to do, and she owed it to you.

Uncle Louis comes here often. I started to love being around him. He's not into singing anymore. All of them have stopped singing ever since you left, Daddy. I think it just reminds them of you.

One time, I fought with him. I thought he was trying to replace you as my Daddy. He cried and got mad. He told me that you were the first one who they called after the accident. He got to the crash in time to help them get you to the ambulance. He was able to see you alive. Uncle Louis was the last one to see you alive - except the doctors, of course. It traumatised him so much, because he trusted you with absolutely everything that he left behind: Mum and me.

Now, Mum knows that too. When Uncle Louis told her that you told him: "Take care of Bea and Nikki for me. I love them so much. Tell her I love her so much.", she went back to being the depressed Mum she was after you left. She cried every day. She found it so hard to even move around the house without remembering you. Those were your last words, Daddy.

Because of that, Uncle Louis stayed with us more often. He even asked the permission of Grandma Trisha. I guess it was okay with her.

Uncle Louis stayed in the room across mine. It was right beside your - Mum's - room, and it made him respond easily in case any one of us were troubled.

Daddy, it's been quite some time now, but none of us are getting better.

Daddy. I miss you. We all do.

July 23, 2022

                Daddy, I have to tell you this. I can't keep it a secret anymore. I haven't told you for more than a year, and you have to know.

See, sometimes when Uncle Louis is here, Mum would cry in the middle of the night. They don't know I'm awake, but I peer into the small opening of my door. Daddy, Mum cuts herself. I'm not joking. I hear her and Uncle Louis talking, and he always scolds her that trying to kill herself won't make things better. I see it always too: the scars on her arms. They used to be scratches, but now? They're really deep ones, Daddy. And up until now Mum won't stop.

I'm sorry for not telling you. I was a little kid before, and I didn't know what to do. I'm 7 now, and I know better. I'm really sorry, Daddy. She's been this way ever since you left.

And Daddy? What bothers me more is what happens when Uncle Louis is not here.

When Uncle Louis leaves, he tells me to keep an eye on Mum. So when it's just the two of us at home, I alarm every hour to go to her door and listen to her. She doesn't cut when Uncle Louis is not around, and maybe it's because she doesn't want me to see that. It worries me more, though, what I hear.

Mum cries so hard. She sobs, she weeps, she throws things everywhere in her room, she screams, she wails, and every possible thing you could think she would do. I always hear her call your name. Daddy, I cry at night too before I sleep. Every night. It makes me feel a little better so I can fall asleep, but it's the same the next day.

But Mum? It's so much worse for her. She loves you so much, Daddy. She still can't accept she lost you. None of us can, but everyone has to understand it's so hard for her too. It scares me so much, Daddy, when I hear Mum that way. The worst I hear her say to herself every time: "I can't believe I wasn't able to tell him I love him, even just for one last time."

After that, the crying and everything else gets worse. I go inside and calm her down, but she acts like I'm not there. It's the same thing every night, Daddy. Nothing's getting better. Nothing will ever get better. Mum's right, this is hell.

I can't take this anymore, Daddy.

I'm on my knees now. I'm on my knees every night, but it's the first time that I've felt so much hurt in my heart when I start praying.

"Papa Jesus, or Allah. Whoever You are watching over us right now, please still keep trying to make us better. We know that nothing seems to be changing, but You're the only one who can comfort us right now.

"Lord, I know I ask so much of you every night. I ask for a lot of people to smile. I ask for a lot of people to be better. I ask for a lot of people to be happy. But, Lord, this time, it's for my Mum.

"You know how much I love my Mum. You know how much Daddy loves her. And - most importantly - you know how much she loves my Daddy. Lord, I know it doesn't happen a lot, or maybe not at all, but can You please send Daddy back home? God, You're the only one who knows how much Mum really does love Daddy. Please send him back home.

"Lord, I would do anything. Absolutely anything just to see my Mum happy. All she wants is one more minute with Daddy. Just a single minute to show him how much he loves her for one last time. I know it's been 3 years, but You can do anything, right? Anything is possible through You.

"Please, Lord, I would give anything up - even my life - just for Mum to be able to tell Daddy, 'I love you.' one final time."

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Sorry for the late updates, guise! And thank you for waiting. I'll make it up to you. I'm going to post one more update later today.

~ N