ALL I WANT [S.M]

37. Withered Daisy

The walk home in the pouring rain was long and melancholy, my clothes becoming soaked, my boisterous sobbing, and my heart on my sleeve.

It was cold. It was lonely. It was depressing.

When I finally arrived back home I slipped into my bedroom, tears still flooding my eyes. He ruined me, and I know it wasn't his intentions. I know he meant all well, now, but then, I was convinced he had reeled me in so close, that when he released me I snapped. I snapped and then I was broken, and unable and unwilling to be fixed. Only he could fix me, but it was to late for that.

I was high, with him. I was always high. He was my drug, and of course, withdrawal comes with suffering. But I hadn't gotten there yet. I was crashing right then, as I burrowed my head deep into my mattress and bawled and bawled until I couldn't feel my hands and my cheeks were stuck swollen. Crashing. Crashing. Dead, but my heart was still beating, but barely, anyway. I felt purposeless. Empty. And the feeling was simply inevitable.

I lost myself, when I lost him.

And I didn't know what to do about it.

I did love him. I always loved him. It was just one of those things where I couldn't remember a time when I didn't feel that way. So, when he said those things, I felt like everything I knew just kind of ended right there, and I was lost, and completely oblivious of everything. It definitely hurt, and the fact that it was so sudden made it even harder.

I never would've thought this would've happened.

I assumed I was being loud, because once Leo arrived back home, he came bustling into my room, finding me scrunched up in sad bundle on my bed.

He crawled up beside me gently, putting him arms out welcomingly with a sympathetic look on his face. I leaped into his arms, suddenly busting back into a fit of cries. "He's leaving," I kept repeating, which obviously confused Leo, but I didn't care. I just appreciated his current presence. As I slowly came down from my sobbing, my breath still hiccuping, I explained to Leo very languidly what I was talking about. He let out a long, exhausted sigh. He didn't know what to say, though, so he didn't say anything at all for a little while, until he shimmied out from underneath my tight embrace and snuck out through my bedroom door.

"Where are you going?" I asked, quietly.

"Shh, I'll be back in a bit." he whispered.

So, I was left alone with my thoughts in my dark, silent bedroom until he returned maybe fifteen minutes later with a plastic bag that contained a tub of vanilla ice cream, movies, and a bath bomb. I smiled at the contents of the bag and thanked Leo as I examined the movies I'd received. He got me situated, and began to leave until I stopped him.

"Stay, please?" I pleaded.

He exhaled slowly, crawling under the covers next to me as the movie began.

"Thank you."

I was eternally grateful for his company and his evident effort into comforting me. He fell asleep at around midnight when we were in the middle of the third movie we were watching, so I wriggled out of my bed and ran myself a bath, and finally I went to bed at 2:00 AM, totally neglecting the fact that it was a school night, which wasn't a good idea, but I didn't care. And Shawn was still on my mind the entire time.

I wondered immensely why we couldn't have just made it work out, and I could've joined him on tour. But it was no use anymore. He was leaving, and he wasn't coming back anytime soon, and I wasn't leaving anytime soon either, so how could we ever work it out? This was a permanent change. So how would I learn to cope with this? I do love Shawn, and that's still going to stay the same, so all I have left is my little piece of hope left in my shattered heart, and a dream that it will work itself out. How, though?