Social Casualty

Chapter 15

For sadder it seems, not even my own house seems like a good place to be in. School is a nightmare. Finnick's house, which used to be the place I always ran off to those times when Effie seemed way to unbearable and hysteric to be with, feels uncomfortable with all his neighbors and family constantly staring at me every time I go there, to check if I really am crazy enough to try to kill myself. Katniss, who these last few months has been my safe haven, is always either with the rest of the popular crew at school or home, trying to deal with her pregnancy or other own problems. Conclusion, there's no longer a place where I can feel the least happy or satisfied with myself. But I guess that things change, and nothing can be terrible forever, and I know this because lately I've been spending more an dmore time in the hideout of the SC League, which isn't all that bad. If seen in certain ways, it is actually pretty good.

There I don't feel so out of place, because I am in a place, a secret, uncharted, illegal place, but not because of that less of a place, if that even makes sense. People actually respect me there, or more like, don't see me as some weirdo who says and does crazy stuff. They actually like my craziness, kind off. And I feel usefull, because I really am doing something that matters, I am really trying to change something, instead of simply complaining about life like I used to. I still complain about life, but now I'm doing something about it.

Gale Hawthorne as proved himself to be a great friend and even better confidant. He is almost all the time in the hideout, and we end up spending quite some time together. Although he always looks grumpy about everything and never laughs at my jokes, only if it is a sarcastic type of laugh, I know he doesn't hate me interely. Now, I'm not going to lie, he has an incredibly bad temper, and is as stubborn and sullen, but I think that's what's great about him, because that's what makes him a real person. He's not like the jocks, who think they're superior to every one, and try to act like it, hiding their insecurities from everyone. And he's also not like the person he acts like in the hallways, you know, the Hearttrob facade he uses so no one thinks much about him. If he appears superficial and cocky, people won't think of him as his own person, they won't try to understand his motives or his thoughts, they'll simply label him. And trust me, that certainly doesn't attract much attention. Unlike me, seeming that everytime that I walk through a hallway, I activate some sort of allarm, since everyone turns back around to stare at me. People also stare at Gale when he walks through the hallway, specially girls, but not for the reason that he is a lunatic, like it is in my case.

Anyhow, things could be working a lot worse than they really are right now. That's probably what I should be telling Dr. Aurelius, who is my therapist/psychiatrist/person-I-can't-put-up-with. His eyes are trained on me,and I'm trying my very best not to make eye contact with him, scared he'll look rigt through my mind and discover how much I actually despise everything and realize I have a much bigger problem than depression. He awaits for me to answer his question of how things have been going lately.

I press my lips together and shrugg, not even trying to hide my grudge for being in his stupid office. I think he's used to that, everytime I have a session with him, I always send him my best glare, trying my very best to ignore his extremely annoying questions. These are the times I wish I was in Haymitch's office, he is a way better conselour than Dr. Aurelius, even if he doesn't have all those degrees and certificates hanged on the walls. I look up, realising that I won't be able to leave this place until Dr. Aurelius gets an answer. "The usual." I mumble.

"And how is the usual?" Dr. Aurelius insists. I send him another glare.

"How do you think it is?" I snap bitterly.

He doesn't even flinch at my tone. Must be used to patients hurling insults and mean words at him all the time. It still bothers me that he can always be so calm, unaffected by my words. "It depends. My usual is pretty good, but yours might not be." there's a small break, where I am supposed to give an answer, but soon Dr. Aurelius seems to realise that it's not worth to keep with this subject. Instead, he moves on to the next question in his list "WHat have you been doing lately?" he asks.