Social Casualty

Chapter 20

I remember one time when I was in elementary, that I stole a doll from a girl in my class and hid it in my friend's backpack. I'm not even sure why I did it, but when everyone thoughht it had been him who took the doll, and he got detention, I felt extremely guilty, but still, I didn't do anything about it. For some reason, I think that is exactly what's happening right now, at leats I feel the exact same guilt I felt back then, because my friend Finch lost her scolarship and, for that reason, can no longer attend Lionsgates Academy, and deep down, I know it's my fault.

Finnick called me a few hours back, sort of angry that I didn't tell him I was Breadioactive Man, and really upset about Finch losing her scolarship and, although he didn't say it out loud, I'm sure he also realizes that it is my fault, because I stood in the way of Snow, and he is willing to have his revenge, in whichever way possible, even if it means making someone innocent pay.

Tonight, my father invited both my brothers to have dinner, and I can't stop but to feel aprehensive about that. Wasn't it just this morning that I yelled in his face, and insulted him in every way possible? Why doesn't he look mad at me? Is he just pretending he doesn't feel affected, or does he intend to humiliate me infrint of the rest of the family?I know I am probably over-reacting, there is this big possibility that my father didn't really care about what I said, and just ignored the whole conversation we had and just moved on with his life. That idea upsets me, more than him plotting some sort of revenge against me, mostly because I can't just stop thinking about what I said and feel guilty about the whole ordeal.

I am so deep in thought that I nearly jump when when my stepmother, Elaine, knocks on my bedroom door, telling me that my brothers are here.

I sigh, jumping off my bed and running down the stairs, where the rest of the family is, talking and pretending they don't hate each other. Realizing no one noticed my arrival , I yet again bang the door behind me again, emiting a loud thud through the big marble white kitchen, and getting everyone's attention, although, for a few moments, no member of my family makes any move to greet me.

Jonathan, my older brother, is the first one to get back into his normal self and approach me with a toothy grin, almost being able to cover up the way he is quietly studying me.

"Hey Peet." he says, trying to keep a casual voice, for sure deciding how he should treat me right now. "You getting taller." His hand pats my shoulder, and although I don't think he was using that much strengh, I still stumble forward a little when his hand connects to me back.

I roll my eyes, trying not to feel so annoyed with the way he treats me like I'm 6 years old. Over the years since I met him, Jonathan's always acted like this towards me, and I'm no longer sure if he is trying to get in my nerves, or being kind of an asshole is just a part of his being.

I send him a scowl, an habit I've picked up from the numerous hours I've spent with Katniss Everdeen. Jonathan chuckles weakly, his semblance suddenley turning serious. "How you doing?" He asks in a way too solemn voice to sound casual.

I already know the message implied in those words and, truthfully, I wouldn't have expected anything different from him. The last time I saw Jonathan was last year, at some dinner party celebrating someone's birthday, probably a business associate of my dad, whom I most likely never even talked to. That was a few months before I attempted, and I am well aware that I changed a lot since then, at least to in other people's eyes.

Dinner is quite. Everyone seems to be having a great interest on whatever it is they have on their plate, except for Elaine, who is having the time of her life talking about some carpets she saw on some store somewhere I've never even heard of, while my sister in law (whose name I shamefully couldn't recall until my mother adressed her politely earlier in the meal) agrees with mostly everything she says.  Erick, my oldest brother, sometimes tries to start a conversation with our father, talking about some firm or deadline or other stuff adults talk about and I'm not really interested in understanding. Still, my father stays quiet during most of the dinner, and so do I.