Unwanted (Editing)

19. It's just the beginning

Next chapter after AGES. sorry! Happy birthday, Haamid, this is a present for you. Hope you all enjoy.

19. It's just the beginning

Without a glance to the face, I swivelled around in the chair and smashed my face into their stomach, wrapping my arms around and sobbed harder. I tightened my grip around them. This was all too much for me. I wasn't accustomed to this type of feeling: the unwanted feeling. All my life I was accepted, taken in with open arms without even seconds of struggle and now... Now it's all happening at once. I felt so alone, even with the arms around me, stroking my back gently in an attempt to soothe me. Although, I had to admit it was helping a little.

A few minutes later, I lifted my head and leaned back. I raised my eyebrows in surprise. It was Jay. He must have ran after me.

"J-- Ja--aay?" I stuttered, taking in a lot of air.

He bent down so our faces were level, stretched out his hand and wiped away my tears. His hand felt so warm against my skin. He gazed straight into my eyes and whispered, "everything's going to be alright."

I felt a light sensation pulsate through my body. I felt safe with him, as if the words he uttered were completely true and for a second, only a second though, I felt warm again inside. But then, I remembered how I was to stay away from him. I remembered the kiss. This can't happen, it won't be fair on Jessica. He needs his mind clear for her. I remembered the horrible looks people gave as I walked along the school halls. I remembered the horrible messages and realised nothing's going to be alright. Everything's different now.

"No, Jay. Stay away from me," I screamed and ran out of the library with my bag, but not before I saw him flinch or the shock on his face. I didn't know where I was running to, I just needed to get away from him, from everyone. I ran out into the playground and kept on going, only realising I was heading towards the empty, training cage, towards the tree. The very tree, Ashley and I spent time next to, the very tree we were next to when we got together and the very tree only a few weeks ago sat besides.

Ashley and I made a lot of memories here and now they'll remain a memory, no way to relive them.

I let out a deep sigh before calapsing next to the tree. I stared up at the sky, so grey and murky: a sure sign winter is almost here. I concluded that the sky reflected how I felt. I frowned at the sky.

"Why?" I whispered, my voice coming out as more of a croak. "Just... Why?"

I felt sorry for myself. Everyone blamed me for his... Death. Ashley was the nicest of the group, the most thoughtful and incredibly selfless. Why did I leave him and go to a different city? Why didn't I just stay? I mean, that way I wouldn't have been miles away when he... died. Tears filled my eyes. I loved - love - him but I just had to realise a little too late. Maybe, if I had known earlier about how I felt, maybe he would have been happier and he could have left... happier.

Suddenly, I fely angry! Why did he leave me like this? He always helped me no matter what. He always supported me and I hadn't noticed until now. I felt a rage build up in the pit of my stomach. He left me alone. If he hadn't gone everything would be perfect in my life. Noone would hate me, even I hate myself.

The pain... the hate I received is just too much to bear. I'm better off dead. I need to get out of here. I picked up my bag and began running again, towards the reception this time. I'm not going to slow down until I'm out of here, until I'm far away from here.

I sped into the reception and out of the door, out of school, not slowing down enough for anyone to question me. I kept running until I got home. I fumbled for my keys and unlocked the door. I need Mum. I need her warmth, her calm, beating heart and her soft, soothing words. In all the haziness, I had forgotten she has work.

I sat in the living room for a while, in complete silence but soon felt restless. I needed Mum, right now! I picked up the phone, punched in her work number and put it down again. I can't do this to her, not while she's at work. I sighed and picked up the phone again. What harm can it do?

I dialled her work number and almost instantly she picked up.

"Hi... Mum?" I called into the phone.

"Taz, honey, are you alright? Aren't you at school? Where are you?" She replied all at once.

I suddenly felt weak. "Mum, I need you." I felt tears run down my cheeks.

"Baby, where are you?" Panic was evident in her tone.

"At home. I'm sorry, Mum, but are you able to get off work early?"

"I'm sure I can, I'll come home right away." I heard another phone ring in the background. "hold on a second, honey. I should get that." I waited while she answered the other phone.

"Taz, honey, I'm sorry. I just got in another order. Are you Ok for another few hours? We're quite busy today." I sighed. I needed her now.

"Of course, just don't take too long, please?" I replied instead. Mum gasped. "What's wrong?" My turn to.panic.

"I almost forgot, Dave and I are having dinner at a friends tonight." She answered.

"Oh."

"Don't worry, I'll cancel. I'll be with you in a few hours."

"No! It's fine, you go to your dinner. I'll be fine." I regretted it as I was saying it but I didn't want to ruin Mums' plans. She was looking forward to it for ages.

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I am. sorry for bothering you, Mum. I just feel a bit unwell but I'll get my friends to come round after school." She didn't say anything to me about skipping school and I was relieved.

"Ok, hun, love you. bye." With a click the phone went dead.

I sank onto the sofa. I should never had agreed to letting her go. I needed her. I realised then that it was just the beginning.