Unwanted (Editing)

17. A New Routine

Chapter Seventeen - A New Routine

My hands trembled as I placed loose pieces of papers, which resembled somewhat of an English essay, into my bag. I, then, slipped out of my pyjamas and threw on my school uniform. I had yet to switch the lights on so the only source of light filtered through the window from the dark blue sky. Even though it was six twenty-nine in the morning the sky was still dark and yet to wake from its sleep. I sighed as I picked up my bag and headed downstairs, barely lifting the soles of my shoes off the ground. My bag dragged along the floor behind me and made a thump each time it hit a step on the stairs.

"Oh my God! Honey, are you sure you want to go to school?" Mum was humming to herself by the sink when I strolled into the kitchen but twirled around when she heard the heavy stomps of my feet. It was the first day back from our two weeks holiday.

"Yeah." My voice was barely audible. I can't believe it's been a few days since... a lump caught in my throat. I could never get used to it... since Ashley was gone.

"Oh, but honey, your eyes: they're extremely red and you look very pale." I already knew that. I spent the past few days crying myself to sleep, only to be woken up for breakfast, lunch and dinner (sometimes toilet breaks). I refused to leave my room. I refused to see anyone.

"I need a distraction. I'm tired of crying all day," I admitted in a muffled voice. I hate my life so much! Why do things have to be like this? Mum placed a bowl in front of me, the aroma of sweet tomato picked up by my senses, as I sat at the table. She placed a spoon in the bowl too.

"C'mon then, eat up." She kissed the top of my head and turned away but I placed my hand on top of hers, urging her to face me. As I took in her features I noticed she looked a little tired herself. This is my fault - I'm being difficult and she's stressing over that.

"I'm sorry," I apologised, pulling her into a tight hug. She smiled at me before going to the sink again. I drank as much of the soup I could manage which wasn't very much.

"Mum, I'm done. I'll head to school now." Mum stopped scrubbing as I hopped off the chair and put my bag over my shoulder.

"But it's really early," she pointed out, flinging the dishcloth over one shoulder. "And besides, aren't you gonna wait for Jay?" The very name made me cringe. I don't know if I can handle him at the moment. I'm too confused. Too weak. Too vulnerable.

"It's time for a new routine," I sighed. I didn't know what else to do.

"Okay, well, if you feel sick just give me a call and I'll come get you." I nodded, not bothering to query her about her work. She handed me a box filled with my lunch.

I headed out, a fresh blow of cold wind attacking my face. Luckily my hair was tied up in a high pony tail. I automatically turned to my right, gazing at Jay's front door but it never opened. It would've been nice to see him after so long. Oh, I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. I shook the thought out of my head; the only reason I'm leaving this early is to avoid him in the first place. I made my way towards school, bumping into strangers absentmindedly. My co-ordination was terrible that morning. By the time I got to the school it was the time I'd usually leave the house. I scuttled through the gates, instantly averting my gaze towards the training cage, where my friends usually stood in the morning. I perceived Serenity and her boyfriend, Oliver, there but I wasn't sure if she'd want to talk to me. I realise now that I ignored her over something so stupid and minor. Who cares that Jay knows I like - I mean, liked - him? I did, but not anymore.

Serenity saw me though and beckoned me over. I was glad she wasn't upset with me but I was also nervous. As I strolled over to her, I received glares and looks of disgust (some pitying looks too) from those around me. I didn't know what was going on.