Without Him

Prologue

PROLOGUE

12 months before...

Nerves consumed me as I made my way to our room. At the age of 21, this is what you least expect to be brought in to your 'life table'. I certainly didn't regret what had happened, I was actually happy about it but also nervous at what challenges this would bring to us. As I stopped on the doorframe of our room, my eyes instantly went to him on our bed; his bare chest on display as he lay down on his back with his left arm behind his head for support while watching TV. His brown hair was all messy from what I guessed was caused by his hands going through it several times without him noticing his actions. His consuming blue eyes focused on the flat screen. Some of his features shadowed by the lack of light in the room.

I lightly knocked on the door but loud enough to get his attention.

"Hey," he mumbled before returning his attention to whatever he was watching. It was one of my pet peeves but what could I do about it.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked as leaned against the door frame and crossed my arms in front my chest.

"Sure," he turned off the TV and sat up, crossing his legs. "What's up?"

Max and I had been dating for 3 years, nearly four. We met in my freshman year at college, which was his senior year. Max and I had gone for the same business major but had never met until that night. My dorm mate and best friend Livie was really into boys and parties at the time and had been invited to one of the oh so popular frat parties that took place in campus. That's where Max and I met. He and his group of friends had the attention of every single girl in the party. For him to have approached me that night had been a shock considering the amount of girls he had around him. As cliché as it sounds - the moment we talked to each other - we instantly clicked. After a couple of months of friendship, we decided step it up and ever since then we've been together. Our relationship had always been strong, of course we had a few stupid fights like any other couple but I was not sure what kind of reaction this announcement would cause him to have. He would probably be surprised, like I had been - but who wouldn't? After all, he was very supportive with anything which gave me no excuse for the amount of nerves that were consuming me at the moment. I walked to our bed and lowered myself to the mattress, sitting next to him. I lowered my head as I played my fingers and contemplated how to start the conversation.

"I-I've had my doubts about this for a couple of days now but yesterday all of them were cleared"

His face showed no emotion which was a typical move from him in situations like this, where he didn't know what to expect.

"Max, I'm pregnant." I blurted out, he suddenly tensed and all the color drained from his face as he said, "What?" stunned by my announcement.

"At first, I thought my cycle was off again but I started having symptoms; feeling nauseous, dizzy. That's when I decided to go see Dr. Wiliams and she confirmed it. I'm pregnant."

His brows furrowed with incomprehension and his eyes went from their ocean-like blue to dark, indicating anger. He suddenly jumped out of bed and started to pace around the room while running his hands through his hair; a sign of him trying to control himself before saying anything. "How the fuck did this happen? I thought you were being careful!!" He yelled as he turned to face me.

"I was! And you thought I was being careful?! This was something that needed both of us in order for it to happen, why are you suddenly blaming me?!"

"I'm 24! I'm not ready to father a child, Ella!" His lack of comprehension and sympathy towards me and this situation started to annoy me.

"I'm not ready either, Max. I just finished college and started a new job, how do you think I feel?" I said, standing up and walking towards him, "but what's done is done. There's nothing we can do about it but get ready."

"Bullshit, Ella!" He banged his fist against the wall and leaned his forearms against it while placing his head between them. "All you had to do was be careful and you fucked up. You fucked it all up. How could you be so stupid?"

Tears threatened to come out of my eyes as my vision started to blur. I never thought he'd have such a hurtful façade hidden in his attitude. In our nearly four years together, he had always been sweet and understanding in any situation. I hadn't expected any less from him and certainly not this when I planned to tell him.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, as my throat started to constrict and tears started to fall down my cheeks.

"Oh please don't start crying now. I'm going to be stuck here taking care of that"- pointing at my stomach -"for God knows how long and you're sorry? Fuck this shit." He shouted, holding his hands up as a sign of defeat while he exited the room and slammed the door.

After sobbing for what seemed like hours, I started to collect all my belongings and place them into a bag. Clearly, I wouldn't have his support for this, proving there was nothing for me here. I zipped close the bag, opened the door and headed to the living room. He was sitting in the couch with his arms on his knees and his face between his hands. An almost empty bottle of whiskey and a glass half full of it were placed in the coffee table. He brought his head up as he sensed my presence.

"What are you doing?" He asked, his words a bit slurred due to the alcoholic drink he was drinking. He noticed the bag on my shoulder and stood up to walk towards me. Once he was in front of me, I answered, "Letting you go". I kissed him softly for the last time and exited the apartment, never expecting to go through this alone. Without him.