Without Him

Chapter 29

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

*** Max's POV ***

I felt like the biggest dick ever. Ella was the last person I wanted to hurt and right now I was doing just that. I was the last person she wanted to talk or even see. Stress was eating away at me. And if it was eating me, I could only imagine how much it would affect Ella. I didn't want to expose her to such thing, when there's still possibilities of her having a miscarriage and knowing there was that possibility made me feel instantly sick. I would never, ever forgive myself for it. I barely forgave myself for what I did to her and Mia. I carried enough guilt by not telling her already to add more to the plate. I knew that doing what I was doing without her consent was wrong and could have had its major consequences but I was willing to take the risk, putting my relationship and future with Ella at stake. Would it have been worth it? That I didn't know. Yet.

If she found out before planned, I just hoped she understood and believed I was doing this for the sole purpose of her, Mia's and the baby's protection and safety. I hoped she didn't feel betrayed.

I would take a bullet for them any day. I realized that a few days after I lost Ella and Mia. You never know how much someone means to you until they're gone. I was conscious of that as soon as Ella wasn't next to me every day.

I hadn't been the best to her during our years together. I had done unforgivable mistakes and I knew she has always deserved someone better than me. Sometimes I did wish she had gone for another guy, a better man. But for once, just once, I wanted to do something good. I didn't want to always be the one screwing everything up in the relationship. I wanted this decision I made to make me feel like I hadn't fail my family this time. I wanted to have that sense of pride, feel like I was the rock that held us together instead of being the one who broke things apart, bringing the storm and dark shadows to us.

I remember the first time Ella and I had a fight. Thinking of it now, the reason was incredibly immature and stupid but then as a young college student on his senior year, it was the only thing I cared about. I was so determined on getting my way that I went as far as hurting Ella's feelings to an uncountable amount. Ever since that day, I've been bringing nothing but failure to our relationship.

"Why are you always like this? Enjoy yourself a tad bit, Ella! Stop being bore. Is it too much to ask?" I was starting to get annoyed. We had been going at it for a while and she still hadn't caved.

"I just don't feel comfortable in that scene"

"You do realize you met me in that scene, right?" I asked as a matter of fact. The fact that she refused to go with me was angering me more every passing minute. It was my last year of college. I wanted to have as much fun as I could and she was stopping me from doing so. "You know what? If you don't want to go, fine! I'll go alone. I'm sure I'll be able to find company"

The way her face changed at my last words proved me I had chosen the wrong set of words. Ella was insecure enough about our relationship and I just added more insecurity to the equation. Her shy, doubting self thought she wasn't pretty enough for me.

"I won't keep you, then. Have fun" I knew she didn't mean her words but she was too hurt to care about it.

"Ella May" I called, she didn't even turn around as she headed to her dorm room.

Her shoulders were slumped as her arms went around her. She looked so fragile and small, trying her best to hold herself together until she was out of my view and could finally crumble. Biggest asshole of a boyfriend.

I had just a matter of days, hours, minutes and seconds to prove myself but mostly Ella that I was all in. When I came back, I promised I wouldn't mess this up and that's what I was trying to do; not mess this up. I'd come back from work and barely shared time with her or Mia. I'd stay up at night until the late hours. It had become a routine, where I rarely spent time with my family. I sacrificed my trust and time with them, dedicating it to someone and something that didn't deserve it. Nevertheless, it was what I had to do to achieve what I wanted to accomplish.

Since I rarely saw them - by wasting my time on a worthless soul, I feared Ella would start to think I didn't want her anymore. Because I did. I still truly did. But I was unable to prove or even show that at the moment. I felt like I was killing my relationship as every day went by but at the same time, I felt like I was saving us from a future burden. One might overtake the other, hopefully it'd be the right one because I didn't want to solve this issue and then end up losing Ella, Mia and the baby after going through such hard work. I wanted to solve it, stay together and live a peaceful life with no interruptions. But just because I wanted it didn't mean I would have it. This realization just encouraged me more. It was an incentive.

I exited my office and headed to Mia's nursery although she was sleeping, I wanted to hold her in my arms for a while. I wanted to assure myself she was still here. With me. I opened the door quietly and approached her crib. I held Mia against my chest and rocked her back and forth, keeping her in her sleep. It had been a couple days since the last time I was the one to put her to sleep instead of Ella.

Like I mentioned before, I had been completely locked away in my office. It came to the point where Ella no longer bother offering or making me dinner. She didn't bother anymore, dedicating her previous attention to me to Mia. Sometimes I could listen to Ella talking to Mia and her giggling. I wanted to join them so badly but I was busy planning and - what felt at the time like wasting my time on something that would hopefully be rewarding at the end.

I returned Mia to her crib and exited her room, then going to our room that now felt like only Ella's. She was sleeping on her side with her hands under her cheek, her chest rising and lowering at a peaceful pace. I lowered myself in front of her and kissed her forehead while gently placing my hand on her belly. It was already hard and curved, showing a small bump.

My eyes watered as I sat there watching her sleep. Somehow, it felt as if I was saying goodbye before I lost them. As if I didn't have much time left with any of them anymore. I wanted to think I was being paranoid but the more I ignored the soul-punching feeling the more its presence in my heart increased.

"I just need a little bit more time," I pleaded in a whisper. "Please. Don't leave"

A tear rolled down my cheek as I kissed her forehead, "I love you. So much" My lips faintly moved against her skin before I stood up and left the room.

The truth was that Ava was taking away my family without even trying and I was contributing to their leave by dedicating my family time to her.