Without Him

Chapter 31: Part 1

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: PART I

Somehow during my near-sleep state, I searched for Max's warmth. It was probably out of habit. My arms were over his chest, our legs tangled together. He was still asleep when I woke up. Mia was already whimpering and babbling in her crib, begging to be taken out.

While Max spent hours in his office, I would try to teach Mia to say small words like 'Ma' or 'Da', which eventually ended in a fit of giggles with her. She came close to saying them but wasn't quite there yet. Most of her babbles were incomprehensible but at least they were something. She would respond to certain questions by pointing at them or shaking her head. After a while, I started to understand them. Turning her head away meant no. Clapping or tapping normally meant yes. If she felt like it, she would nod or shake her head but most of the time she resorted to turning her head away and/or tapping.

I took Mia out out her crib and placed her pacifier in her mouth. It would calm her until I was able to prepare her morning bottle. She was still sleepy, leaning her head on my shoulder as I headed to the kitchen. I kissed her forehead when she started to get desperate and impatient.

"It's almost ready, hang on." I finished shaking the bottle, cleaning any spill and handing it to her.

After drinking her bottle, Mia entertained herself in her play yard while I prepared breakfast. I had bought her a new toy. It was a small piano. Whenever she touched the keys it would play a tune. Apparently, it was her favorite at the moment since it was the only toy she payed attention to all the time. The random tunes could be headache whenever Mia decided to tap all of them at the same time. It was annoying but I couldn't do anything about it but tolerate it. If I took it away from her she would most likely start crying and if I told her to stop, she would do it but a few minutes later return to tapping all of them again. Sometimes, I wondered if I did a good thing by buying Mia the piano and making her happy or if I did a bad thing by torturing myself with the high pitched tunes of the toy.

I settled my plate on the breakfast bar and sat down, eating while keeping an eye on Mia. As I started to eat, Max came into the kitchen all sleepy looking. His hair was disheveled. His sweatpants were hanging low on his hips.

He yawned as he walked to Mia's play yard and picked her up. "Hey there, baby girl" Max bombarded her face with kisses, knowing she didn't like it. Mia whimpered and started to complain. He pulled away, chuckling "Fine, fine" He liked watching her pout and scrunch her eyes as she got mad. He returned her to her play yard and Mia resumed to playing with her piano.

Max walked to the refrigerator and served himself a cup of orange juice. I spoke as his back was to me, "There's some bacon and toasted bread left. You can eat it. If you want to, I mean. You don't have to if you're not hungry." I was rambling and I had no idea why. I felt awkward around him, after seeking him out in bed last night. I didn't want to give him the wrong idea. I was still mad at him and unsure about where our relationship stood for him. I needed time to think and maybe sleeping in the same bed and cuddling wasn't the right thing to do.

"Thanks," Max murmured, walking to me. He leaned in to kiss me but I turned away, rejecting his kiss, causing him to kiss my cheek instead of my lips.

I had never rejected him a kiss (playfully, of course I had but seriously, no) until now. His face looked distraught. It was as if I just slapped him in the face.

"Max... I" I paused, "I need time to think" I was hoping my words would've eased the burn of my rejection but it seemed like they intensified it.

"It's fine" His response was a barely comprehensible murmur. He left the kitchen with his mood on the floor.

I felt like a bitch but I just couldn't at the moment. Last night, I avoided thinking about what he told me by going immediately to bed. If I kept acting like nothing happened, I wouldn't be able to get over the fact he had been seeing Ava. I believed what he had told me; that he hadn't touched her. What I didn't believe was her touching him. If she tried touching him in front of me, at a certain point she must have touched him. She wouldn't blow away the opportunity.

Whatever this was that was happening didn't mean my feelings for Max were faltering. I just needed to analyze what was going on. I felt like Max had mistaken my rejection even though I told him I just needed to think. My words could have been taken as a vague way of me saying 'I need to think about my feelings for you if you don't want us to break up'. And maybe he had taken it that way.

I settled the plate in the dish washer, later taking Mia out of her play yard and heading to my room. As I entered, I could hear the water from the shower of our adjoining bathroom running. I entertained Mia in bed with me as I waited for him. I needed to assure him I wasn't thinking about my feelings for him because I was clear about the way I felt for him. I just needed to let this whole Ava thing settled down in my head.

I would be 13 weeks this Wednesday so hopefully by then my hormones would be done as well as my first trimester. I was getting bigger and bigger, meaning I needed to buy maternity clothes (since I got rid of the ones I used with Mia) and inform Mr. Kerrington about my maternity leave. My morning sickness had almost disappeared - I was nauseous from time to time - but it was replaced by some headaches and sometimes short dizzy spells.

I did think my hormones were a contributing factor to my reaction to this. I would have been more calmed about it if I weren't pregnant because I trusted Max and his instincts. He knew Ava better than me (and God was I glad about that). Max interrupted my thoughts, coming out of the bathroom. He looked surprised to see me here.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" I asked him as he stood there with a towel hanging on his hips, his skin and hair glistening.

"Uh.. Sure. Let me just get dressed."

I nodded as he went to the dresser and grabbed his underwear before returning to the bathroom. He came out a few seconds later, wearing the same sweatpants he was wearing before with a white, plain tshirt. Max sat on the edge of the bed on the other side, putting distance between us. I was having mixed feelings about his action. This morning I had thought that not putting distance between us last night was not good. But now, I... didn't like it.

"I know you didn't like what I did this morning and I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I don't love you as much as I did before because I still do. And I trust you, it's her I don't. I asked you for time to think about what's been going between you and her for God knows how long. I didn't ask you for time to think about our relationship because I don't need it. Just give a few days to process all this. My first trimester will be over this Wednesday so I'll be over it by then as well as the hormones."

My last sentence cracked a smile from him since he knew what I meant - blaming the mess that was my head on hormones. I took his hand and rubbed my thumb over it, "I love you. Stop doubting it" I squeezed his hand. I knew he needed to hear that.

Max came closer, hesitating to lean forward and get what he wanted to get this morning. "Just do it" I told him, giving him the pass. The smile he had before turned into a grin as his lips met mine.

I forced him to keep the kiss brief since Mia was with us. After pulling away, Max lowered his head to Mia and whispered, "I love you but you need to take a nap" in a not so subtle way.

I laughed and pushed him away, his back fell against the mattress as he also laughed.

I was glad I had chose him as the man to form a family with. At eighteen years old, I made a wise choice by giving the cocky senior guy who flirted with modest freshman me a chance.