Without Him

Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Max's thoughts [after the events of the last chapter]

After seeing Mia that first night, guilt and regret hit me like a fucking train. Not being there seeing her grow inside Ella. Not being there at the hospital with Ella. Not being there any damn minute of the year we spent apart.

It took me 2 weeks with no contact whatsoever regarding Mia and/or Ella to be able to gain the rational part of myself back. I know myself well enough to know that if I didn't start or at least tried to think rationally again, an hour after seeing them I would be desperately calling Ella again. It was either try to gain control of myself or screw everything up before even starting to fix it. I wanted to rebuild my relationship with Ella. It wouldn't be the same as it was before I sent it all to hell but it could be similar to it.

We all make mistakes and that's why people deserve second chances. I know that. What I didn't know was if my mistake deserved a second chance. I wouldn't blame Ella if she didn't. I mean I wouldn't give myself one either. I had destroyed, no, scratch that- I had shattered her heart into more than a million pieces. However, I wanted to be part of Mia's life. I wanted to be the father I never had. All I had from my father was his money. He was never home because he was busy working making money for us. I didn't want to be financially there for Mia, like my father was. I wanted to there to be what a real father is; someone who takes care of you, someone who teaches you knew things, someone who reads you a story, someone who plays with you, every goddamn thing my father never did. I didn't want to be like him but what I didn't realize was, I was already becoming him. That night had been my first step into Dick Road and I intended for it to be my last. I was going to do anything I could to have Ella's trust again, but it was double work and effort now. I was not only gaining the trust on her part but also Mia's.

That night made me realize how I took her and her love for me for granted. I never realized Ella was the one until I had completely lost her due to my foolishness. All I cared about was those Friday nights and weekends of partying and going out with the boys, but in the year we spent apart I cut ties with people who were up to no good and became mature enough to know that my daughter and Ella over exceed the importance of alcohol, hangover and my useless friends.

If Ella didn't give me a second chance, I at least wanted to be involved in Mia's life as much as she allowed me to. I would never take her to court for anything that had to do with Mia. I already made her suffer enough pain and hurt and I didn't want her suffering more.

I wanted to have my relationship with Ella back but what I didn't know was if she already had found someone else. I sure hadn't been with anyone else after her, Ella had rather ruined me for other women. The thought of her with someone else was like a punch in the gut. And I deserved it. I had her and I pushed her away but at the end of it all, what matters is Ella and Mia's happiness not mine.

Something I regret more than the words I said to her that night is - during our time together - how little I expressed my love for her to her and how I never told her how important she really was to me. And how equally important Mia was to me now, too. A part of me was deeply afraid, I'd never be able to tell her.

From now on, I was going to try my damnedest best to make things between us right again. I wouldn't hold back any step of the way. My goal was to have Ella back and I would do anything in my power to make it happen because I want her to be mine again. Because I love her.

I love Ella May Daniels and our daughter.

But did she still love me back? Or was it too late?

*** Ella's POV ***