Without Him

Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

As soon as Dr. Williams's eyes widen and her eyebrows shot up, I knew. My eyes instantly went to small stick in the sample, its tip had turned light blue. The same color I was greeted to more than a year ago. I could feel myself fading and paling at the results. No, no, no. It couldn't be. It couldn't be true. How? When? As soon as I thought about those one word questions, I found out the answer. The shower. The next morning, the first time I slept at Max's house after the launch. We were so reckless and he was so hungry from desire, the sexual haze overtook our senses.

The panic attack I suppressed in the bathroom rose up again but this time it completely exploded. I could feel my hands shaking. I could barely hear Dr. Williams telling me to calm down and take deep breaths as my ears rang. But I couldn't. I wasn't expecting this results and even worse I was not ready for them. My world was collapsing in a sick, evil way. Because as a mother already, I shouldn't have been acting this way. But I was. And it was wrong in every way. I was wrong. Everything about this was wrong.

"Ella, are you okay?" Dr. Williams asked. "Judging by your reaction, I can tell you weren't expecting this or was even looking for it."

I knew she noticed the difference between my reaction with finding out about Mia and this one. They were completely different; when I found out about Mia I was more happy and less terrified. This time I was completely terrified with no room for any other emotion.

"Why don't we do an ultrasound and find out how far you are?" Dr. Williams suggested.

I only nodded, barely able to talk from the shock. I already had an idea of how far I was since I knew the date of when I had conceived but I agreed anyway.

We stood up and walked to the examination room next to her office. She sat next to a screen and directed me to the examination table covered in a white sheet, instructing me to remove my skirt and underwear and to cover myself with the blanket next to me.

"Surprised? I'd say you weren't having symptoms that could have warned like last time" Dr. Williams asked as I sat on the examination table and laid down.

"Shocked," I replied, shaking my head. My throat feeling too raw and dry.

After the ultrasound, Dr. Williams handed me a picture of the baby along with prenatal vitamins. I couldn't believe I was going over this again. She reminded me of the Dos and Don'ts and we settled a date for another check up in about 5 weeks. After going over everything, we said goodbye and I left her office.

My walk to my car and the drive home were a haze. My actions completely robotic and in autopilot from the shock I was still in. Mia was at my Mum's. I headed home first to be able to recompose myself from the news before facing my mother. I wasn't even sure if I was going to tell her today. She would be happy (I think) but I wasn't ready for the questions. I needed to be calm and on my five senses when I delivered the news (no pun intended).

I entered the underground parking lot of the building and parked my car on my reserved spot. I exited my car and headed to the elevator, hoping it didn't stop on a floor and somebody rode with me. I was in no state to be seen by anyone. Not right now. The image of the light blue tip of the stick and sonogram - that was now hidden on a pocket in my purse - was still fresh in my head.

As soon as the elevator doors opened to the foyer of the penthouse and I entered, I tossed my keys to the closest table and walked to the room. I threw my shoes into the closet and got rid of my clothes, changing into the most comfortable pair of pajamas I owned, later removing the tad of make-up I had put on this morning.

I walked to my nightstand and retrieved the sonogram from my purse. I stared at the picture for a few seconds before breaking down and collapsing to the floor. I brought my knees up, my back supported by the bed behind me as I leaned my head on my knees, closed my eyes and cried with the picture in my hand. It was the only thing I could do now. Fear of rejection was overpowering any happy feelings I should've been having about this. This whole announcement was overwhelming. I wasn't ready for this. It was too damn soon. Mia was only turning 8 months old in a couple of weeks. She would barely be one year old by the time the baby arrived. The thought of having to tell Max and perhaps being rejected again was tearing me into the smallest of pieces. I wasn't ready to lose him again after being apart for so long and just recently having him back.