Ashes // l.h.

8. underwater

The Neighbourhood- Daddy Issues

8. underwater

Dearest Andrea,

I am deeply saddened you could not make it to Churchill this holiday. I am even more saddened by the fact I have not heard your voice in weeks seeming as if, you do not wish to talk to me. Please e-mail me back to at least tell me how you are doing and what classes you are taking this semester. I will be calling soon and if you do not answer, I want you to know that I miss you deeply.

Thomas Rivers

CEO, Signifa Company

I stare at my phone screen, stare at the e-mail and the name and description at the bottom of it; as if I didn't know who he was, he needed to clarify it, of course. How can my father just pretend it never happened? That me and my brother never got put through the abuse we did and he never committed suicide.

I feel like screaming. I feel like punching him and wrapping my hands around his throat and shouting in his face, 'This is how Noah felt you heartless son of a bitch.'

I delete the e-mail and grab onto the bathroom sink to maintain my balance. I feel dizzy, I feel like I might just faint. My demons have its tight hold on my neck again and it's been a long time coming.

Let. Me. Go.

I can hear my breathing quickening and my heart racing. My chest is having those aching pains again and my vision is blurring at the corners. I swear I am trying my hardest to keep control. All I need to do is keep control.

Let. Me. Go.

Let. Me-

"Bambi," Luke calls from outside the door. "Hurry up. We're going to be late."

I look up to the mirror, noticing how flushed my face looks. I pinch my cheeks to bring back some color and after taking one final deep breath, I step outside. Luke is waiting by the door, an unlit cigarette on the tip of his lips.

"You're alright?"

"Yeah," I smile. "Fine."

Luke drives us to a small cafe that's nearly an hour away, in another town that I'm nor familiar with. But I don't worry, I trust him. No one is talking when we walk in and I give him a confused look as to why it's so silent, but he just smiles as a response.

"You want a coffee?" He whispers to me.

"Yeah, Hazelnut with-"

"Shh," He gestures for me to keep my voice down and when I look around the cafe, I see several people averting the gaze toward me. "With two sugars, I know,"

I smile a little, taking notice of the fact he knows how I like my coffee by now. I take a seat at an empty couch and wait for Luke to come with our drinks. That's when I notice the stage in front of me and I see a bright green flyer sitting on the floor that says; Poetry Reading.

So Luke took me to a poetry reading. The ones he said he attends on a regular basis.

"Here," He hands me my mug and sits beside me. For a moment, I allow myself to think about the e-mail my Tom sent me, again. It's amazes me how a human can be breaking inside, fighting an entire damn war in their head and still succeed in fooling everyone into thinking they have their life together.

And maybe that is why I like being around Luke so much. He's already seen me at my worse, crying and vomiting out my feelings. I don't have to pretend so much when I'm around him, but when he asks me how I'm doing; I still tell him I'm okay. Because okay is a place somewhere in between good and bad. I live in okay.