Ashes // l.h.

11. bathroom sink

Chet Faker- I'm Into You

11. bathroom sink

Sleep.

After Noah died, I spent a lot of my time sleeping. I slept so much, I got tired of being tired. It was a way for me to escape reality and a way for me to see Noah's face again. Only in my dreams. It was a way for me to play out different scenarios in which I saved my brother, wrapped him in my arms and convinced him to let go of the gun. Only in my dreams.

It was a way for me to feel something else other than gut wrenching pain that ate me alive and swallowed me up whole. In my sleep, I was numb and that was a comforting feeling in my grief stage. The only bad thing about sleep was waking up. Life smacked me so hard in my face when I did like, that was only in your dreams, you fool. This is what you are, how you live and I won't take pity on you now.

It's so painful. Waking up to a world that remains unchanged despite your desire for it to get better; for it to be a better place.

"Miss Rivers," I jump, awake at the sound of my own name. Professor Wilfrid looks bothered, his arms crossed over another as he sends a cold, hard glare my way. The entire class is now looking my way too, and I wipe the bit of drool that came from my mouth, off my books. "Sleeping in my class again?"

"No, Professor. Just resting my eyes." Chuckles sound from all around the classroom. Christina scoffs beside me, but I brush it off. Wilfrid resumes to his lecture, going on and on about Socrates and Plato. Philosophy is not the least bit interesting.

"You need to tell Luke soon." Christina says so faintly, I almost miss it. And when I turn to look at her, her gaze is still straight forward, focused on the professor. "He knows something is up. The last time we had sex, he rolled over then asked me if I knew something about you that he didn't."

I press my lips into a flat line. "But you didn't tell him,"

She rolls her eyes. "No."

"I don't want to tell him yet."

"Does Grace even know?"

"No." I say so loudly, Professor Wilfird stops talking then sends me a warning glare before he starts up on his lecture again. "No one knows." I whisper to her.

"Well, I do." She whispers back. "And all I'm saying is...if you're not the one to tell them then they're going to find out some way or another. And it's going to be ugly."

"Is that a threat?"

"God, you're annoying. I meant what I said when I told you that I'm not going to tell anyone your dirty little secret." She seems bothered now. "I'm just saying...if they find out, it should be from you."

I don't answer her and for a while, we just pretend to be absorbing Wilfrid's words, until she speaks again. "I don't get what's so bad about it. Your brother killed himself. Lots of people commit suicide. You shouldn't be ashamed of your own brother's death."

I turn to look at her, incredulously. All at once, I feel anger rising in me before I push it down. She has a point, but then again, I'm not ashamed of Noah's death. It's so much more than that. I'm ashamed of what led up to that point. I'm ashamed I was so close to saving him and I didn't.

As soon as the professor dismisses class, I slip on my jean jacket and stride my way towards the door, towards freedom at last. Me and Christina part ways though we are headed to the same place.

°°°°°°°°°°

I spot Luke, Calum, Faye, Mikey, Grace and Christina as soon as I enter the diner. Looks like she beat me here. They're seated at a large booth, all squeezed tightly together and there's hardly any room left for anyone else, so I borrow a chair from a nearby table.