Ashes // l.h.

19. fireworks

Bon Iver- Holocene

19. fireworks

"So then I left." I tell Dr. McKinley. He nods like he understands, but deep down, I know he's disappointed that I wasn't able to spend just two peaceful days with my sorry excuse for a family. "I tried, you know. I really did try."

He nods again. "You can try again someday." After a pause, "What happened to your face?"

He's referring to the reddish, purple mark Christina left on my cheekbone. It's almost as if I totally forgot about it until now. "I got into a fight with Christina last night."

"Tell me about it."

"She offered me a shot, but I refused because I'm working on my drinking, remember? Then she mentioned Noah and how he... so I snapped." I confess to him. "It was a crazy night."

"What else happened?"

"Luke got into a fight, not even a second after so we all ended up leaving the party."

He nods slowly. "And how is Ashton doing?"

"Fine. He left this morning for tour. I was kind of disappointed I didn't get lucky with him before he left."

Dr. McKinley chuckles deeply. "Last time we met, you said you felt as if something was off about him."

"He just... he says he's going to meet me at places and never does or when he does, he's late. Then there's Christina. They act so weird around each other." I pause to take a breath. "Last night, when me and Christina were fighting, Ashton pulled her off me and she started freaking out; screaming at the top of her lungs for him to let go of her...then as soon as he did, she ran out the house."

"That's odd."

"Mhm." I look down at my SpongeBob watch to see the time is 5:40. "Mind if I cut this session twenty minutes short? I have this art project that's due the third and I haven't even started."

"Sure." He gives me the go ahead.

"Thanks Doc." I leave in a rush, my large bohemian bag clanging loudly with all the paint containers and brushes I have inside. Luke texts me and asks if I'm going to meet everyone at the Diner, but I say I can't make it which is true. I have to paint, but I also don't want to have to face Christina anyway.

Blank canvas. Usually, blank canvases get me excited, but now, as I sit in this small dorm room at the corner Grace let me have for my art work; I want to scream. I dip my paintbrush into green and cringe. Noah had green eyes. That's when I literally stab the paintbrush into the canvas then nearly scream once I see color on a blank canvas of mine. I jolt onto my feet and knock the canvas over, along with the wooden easel.

I can't do this. I run my fingers through my hair as I try to catch my breath. I can't do this. Every damn color that exists in the world brings up a memory of my brother. I can't do this. I am not in the right mindset, I don't know if I ever will be.

I grab my bag and leave the dorm, wanting to escape. I always want to escape.

••••••••••

Luke

Christina glares at me as she sips from her glass of Sprite. I keep my gaze locked on her, determined to have her be the first to look away. She's still angry about this morning, but I don't really care. Since the very moment she's met Andie, she's given her shit. About everything. Now that I know the truth about Andie and what happened to her prior to Coastal Carolina, I want to protect her. I want to help her. Because I know what it's like to destroy yourself in the wake of your sibling's death and because I don't want that for anyone else, especially Andie.