Ashes // l.h.

24. promise

Kaleo- Way Down We Go

24. promise

Memory.

I was laying in bed with tears running down the sides of my face as I stared up at the ceiling; feeling lost and hopeless and completely heartbroken. There was a soft knock at my door and from the way I heard silence from Noah's room instead of his excessively loud music, I knew it was him.

He didn't wait for an answer as he walked in, closing the door behind him quietly. "What's wrong, sis?" He had a horrible black eye and he looks as if he hadn't slept in days. His hair was oily and longer, the ends of it curling around the bottom of his ears. I should have been the one asking him what was wrong considering the way he looked.

"Nothing." I quickly wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. He walked over and sat beside me, the mattress sunk in under his weight.

He gave me a look of disbelief. "Don't you lie to me. Whose ass do I need to kick?"

"No one's." I faked a laugh. "No one. Okay? I'm fine."

He frowned deeply and shook his head. "Look at your face, look at it. Who did this to you?"

With those words, I started to cry all over again. "A boy."

"A stupid boy then, huh?" He replied almost immediately, his vacant eyes lighting up for a moment with humor in an attempt to cheer me up. "Is this the same boy you've been sneaking off to see in Philadelphia every week?" He asked, more serious this time.

I nodded. "I'm in love with him. And I thought he loved me, but..."

"He screwed you over?"

"In the worst way possible." I told him. "I gave him everything I had in me- I even..."

"What?" Noah pressed me to finish off my sentence then; the lightbulb went off and he looked as if he realized what I was about to say. I lost my virginity to Brandon, the married man that I snuck off to see in Philadelphia every week. He wasn't a boy, he was twenty four, but I decided not to tell Noah that part. I didn't believe Noah would judge me, but I was afraid to say it out loud because I was disgusted with my own self and felt like such a fool.

"Oh no. Please tell me you didn't." He muttered and I began to sob all over again. He reached over and pulled me into his arms, letting me cry into his chest.

"I'm sorry for being selfish." I choked out through my tears.

"What are you talking about?" He smoothed down the side of my hair.

"You're all beat up again and-"

"Don't worry about me, sis. I'm okay. I promise you." The problem was, I chose to let it go because I heard the word promise. Promise is the most fucked up word in the English language and I will never use that word for as long as I live. Noah was not okay, and it's not okay that I believed him just because he promised.

Because now he's gone and I'm still here and all I have left are these memories.

••••••••••

Ashton texts me and asks me to meet him at Carter's house where the band's rehearsing. In another text, he tells me how hungover he is and just like that, I realize he does not remember all that happened last night. I slip on some jeans and throw on a sweatshirt, taking the city bus to the last stop which is only two blocks away from Carter's house.