Ashes // l.h.

22. light reaching

Band of Horses- The Funeral

22. light reaching

The rain has passed, but I am still soaking wet. My clothes are drenched and stuck to my skin. I'm shivering wildly and my teeth are chattering unrelentingly; I'm sure I will catch a cold later. My phone has been going of non-stop for the past hour, and I've just been sitting here, unable to move as I watch the world go on without me.

I take a breath before forcing myself to move, my body feeling weak and I am lost in myself, drowning in my sorrows; this alone feels like death and I don't know how I am ever going to be reborn again. I unlock my phone and see I have 17 missed calls. Three from grace, two from Mikey, two from Faye, one from Calum, five from Ashton and four from Luke. I have several texts all saying, where are you?

Come back, we'll talk about this.

Just let us know you're okay.

I'm a runner. Luke, of all those people I left behind down there in that city, should know this is just me...running again.

Memory.

It was the day of Noah's funeral and burial. I went for a run that day and didn't come back home at the time I was supposed to. I just ran for miles and miles, unable to come to terms with the fact I was saying goodbye to my brother that day before they lowered him into his grave. When I did come home, Dorrian let me in and told me my parents had already left. I rushed inside, slipped on the black dress Willow had laid out for me to wear on my bed then as I closed my own bedroom door, I caught sight of Noah's.

I walked in, flinched when I saw the blood stain on the carpet that still hadn't been removed and grabbed his jean jacket before striding out the house. I drove to the cemetery and saw the ceremony had already begun. Reluctantly, I turned the ignition off and slowly walked over.

Nearly the entire town was there despite their role in his death. I felt so disgusted, I stood back and sat down on the grass, putting my back against a tree; I watched from a distance. Willow saw me and with tears running down her face, beckoned me to join her and the group, but I refused. Once everyone saw Willow look over to me, they followed her line of gaze and turned back around. I could already tell what they were thinking.

She couldn't even show up on time for her own brother's funeral.

She couldn't even brush her hair to look decent.

She couldn't even join the rest of us.

Jason Lee was crying silently, tears falling from his eyes as his brother Ryan stood beside him, looking bored. I wondered, how come my brother had to die when that piece of shit is still here? Tom spoke a few words, I couldn't hear him. I was just staring at the mahogany colored casket my brother was in. I wasn't even able to say goodbye to him properly, the casket was closed. His head was too much of a mess to put on display and I was angry about that. Those fuckers didn't get to see what they had caused yet I saw it all that awful day when he shot himself right in front of me. I was the only one who tried saving him from himself.

Once it was time to lower the casket, Willow started to wail and reached for it, wrapping her arms around it as if it was her son himself. You're too late, I wanted to scream at her, but didn't though I very much should have. Tom and Willow walked over to me and gestured for me to follow them, but I told them I would meet them at the house, so they left without a fight.