letters lament

Dear Sister

Dear Sister, 

Mads. I like to call you Mads, and I'm not entirely sure why. You're angry, but it's not real anger; not all the time. It's just from the load you've been thrown; it makes me see you like I see my brother sometimes. He's just angry at the world, and he can't help it, because hardship and bad experiences are just being thrown at him every day, and there's nothing he can really do about it. He's got a dad, but he doesn't know about him. 

Yours is gone, but I think that's how it was supposed to be. 

You know that wall you've been creating, ever since before 5th grade, and before everything went to hell? Well, not hell, but to me, it felt like that, until we got closer. You're my best friend, and sometimes, I still don't know how to talk to you. I guess that's good, right? We've been through much that we just don't need to even talk. All we have to do is look, or we just know. It's automatic, and it's something I really can't describe. 

When we were in third grade, and I'd just gotten to school, all that went through my mind was that I wondered why those three girls were friends with you, and  I wasn't. It bothered me for years why I wasn't apart of that group, and I never knew until 6th grade, when the mean girl was gone, and the world started to look really nice. Well, it might have been 5th grade, or a little after 6th, because that was after you started opening up again, and becoming yourself. You got stronger, and I got less innocent, and let's face it; I'm not sure I was innocent before. I'm not sure you ever were, or anyone ever is. Innocence is an illusion. 

Anway, in 3rd grade, I used to just read a lot, as you might remember, and I used to be that really awkward kid who'd just try to fit in with you guys. I knew that you girls didn't really like me, or maybe you just didn't understand me, but there were times in between the shame and strange feelings that I honestly felt like there was that little bit of sunshine thatcame through, you know? You or the other girl  would talk to me, or say something nice, or I'd actually be included in the conversation, despite what the mean girl was trying to do in keeping me out. That's when it all started to shape; that little trio we had. I loved that trio. It's not the same without the nice girl, but she's changed, and that's just something we've accepted, I guess.

Remember when we used to hate the newest trio member? To be honest, I thought that was kind of funny. She's a great person, and a reall good friend; it's just that she has flaws, you know? Of course I think she's starting to slip away, but I hope you never slip away. I don't want to slip away from you, ever. I want you to be the godmother to my children, if I actually get the husband and the girl and boy that I always dream about, like a weirdo. 

A dreamer; I think we all dream about stuff like that, no matter if we share those dreams. I think you've dreamed about things like that,right? Having someone who loves you, and that one little boy that you can raise, or that little girl that you can teach to face the world head on, like your mom taught you. Or maybe like you wanted your parenting to turn out; what you think they did wrong, fixing it and fixing it through the generations, and somehow trying to do a better job, until you realize that no one is really perfect, and no one can out match the other in every single way. It's just impossible. 

Mads, I really don't know why I'm even writing this. 

Maybe I just want you to know how much you mean to me? That sounds all sappy and deep and annoying and just I'm not sure. Rambling is what I'm doing I guess, to just pass the time and try to get my feelings out? That's confusing. I'm sorry I'm confusing. 

I'm sorry I'm annoying. I know I annoy you a lot, but I don't think that makes you love me any less. It's just who I am, and it's just who you are; right? Sometimes that makes me sad, when you call me annoying, but then there's that moment after the argument, where I can see in your eyes how sorry you are for just a simple little comment, because you know that it bugs me. You know that those little words have a big impact, because some words have big impacts for you too. I think that's what makes our friendship the best, and it makes it work; we're completely honest, most of the time, and even if we fight, it's just an arugment, you know? The anger boils for a few days at most, and then we realize "hey, who the heck are we supposed to talk to?" you know? We realize how much we were just pouring out random stuff at one another, and just trying to get our frustrations out, and using each other as a punching bag. 

We get back up though, and we say sorry, and we patch each other up, because even if we have no clue what to say to one another, it doesn't matter. 

It's all okay eventually; I've never hated you, ever. I've hated other friend sometimes; I've despised them for all I had, and then I've written angry poetry, or written some really bad words about them. I swear to god I've never done that about you. There's just never been a reason. You're like this sister I never got to have, and that one person that even if there's nothing to say, I can sit there and ramble my heart out to you, and then you might not say anything at all, but it'll be okay. SometimesI sit next to you during one of our sleepovers, or in a car ride, and I just smile at the fact that we really don't need to talk all the time. It doesn't get awkward, and it doesn't make things tense. 

Just sitting there, doing absolutely nothing, and thinking. 

I've been thinking too much lately, which is why I started to write all of these random letters, and my "wife" told me she thought they were those bad letters that I'd give to someone before dying, you know? 

They aren't. It's just a way for me to cope with everything, and to just, I don't know, write? Writing is something I will always thank you for. 

You're the one who started all of this, you know that? You got me into writing, and ever since then,I've been obsessed. It's the only thing I can do sometimes to keep myself together. It's just absolutely perfect. I can write and feel completely perfect, and totally flawed, all at the same time. 

And I can't thank you enough for that. 

The last topic I just really want to talk about, is that you have no idea how amazing you can be. Mads, you might be blunt sometimes, or just plain angry, or what some would call mean, but if someone takes the time to know you like I know you? They realize what your intentions are. I've seen that giggling little girl, and also that really strong woman who's a million times tougher than I'll ever be. 

And I love both of them with all of my heart.

And I'm not sure what else to say. 

So there you go. That's what's on my mind when  I think of you, and I guess that's the end of this letter. 

Sincerely, 

Your sister.