That was actually sort of hard. I'm finally using your name now, when I write about you. Or at least, in the title. I was inspired about five seconds ago to start writing this to you, because honestly this letters lament thing might need to end soon; too much sorrow and anger and pain is jam packed into these tiny, insignificant letters. They're honestly pieces of shit, and I'm going to apologize firsthand for writing ones about betrayal and how I've lost myself because of you. We're past that, it's fucking 2014.
In the past year without you, because honestly our friendship ended after that drama in December of 12, I've changed a lot. It's really strange to say that maybe it was for the better, but it actually was. And after I read those poems a few minutes ago, I realize that maybe we weren't the best of friends, not how I thought. Brittany knows so much more than I do, and maybe that's how it's supposed to be? You might've told me some, but I guess not everything, and honestly that's fine. Honestly, I always give more to people and expect to get less back, and I don't blame you for not telling me things, becuase that was your choice and I know a lot about walls and trust.
It doesn't bother me at all, well maybe it did before and did for a few minutes, but I don't blame you and I think I'm going to stop being a bitch about everything. We were both bitches in a lot of different ways, because we were younger and naive and pathetic, and I'm going to take the time right now to say that we were both absolute idiots in 2012, and absolute idiots in the beginning of 2013.
In December, we were both just hurt. There was a lot of rumors and secrets and talk going around, and it just boiled over and died. Honestly, I'm not entirely sure what all of that was about, becuase it was a multitude of things that just got so bad that it blew up the trust. That was more than a year ago.
In January, we were both lost. I was beside myself, trying to oppress all the sadness and keep it as anger toward you. I didn't want to forgive you, ever. I had this stupid thought in my head that if I continued to be angry, that all the pain would just disappear. I think that's when you started doing some of the bad things that you shoudn't have resorted to? It's fine. I did some of that too. I think we both did eventually.
In February, we had some sort of half forgivness, and I had you at my birthday party, which was actually fun. That wasn't a bad night. Thank you for it. In February, before my birthday at least, and actualy it might've started at the end of January, I didn't really have a good mind. It was a lot of trying to be better than you, or show you that being without you didn't matter. Stupid as it was, it drove me to two small lines on my arm in the shower, and almost a week without a correct amount of calories. I had stooped to those two lows, and they still haunt me now. Sometimes I feel that maybe skipping a meal would help everything turn into gold again. I've gained ten pounds this holiday season, and you have no idea how much torture it's brought me. I feel like a idiot.
And that's not blaming you for it, god no. I did all of that myself, because I felt like I wasn't good enough, seriously. It was completely and utterly me, the cutting and anorexia, and I hope you know that it's never someone else's fault, it's always your own. Everyone has a choice, and I made the wrong one and went through with it.
In March and April, I let you back into my life for a while. We talked and hung out sometimes, but there was always that feeling of the fact that we didn't really trust anymore. I'm sorry about that, I think I shouldn't have let you back in, because it just made the leaving even worse. Hopefully you're sorry too, somehow, because we're both the reason to cause all of this. We all have different wrongs and rights toward our friendship, or our lack therefore.
In May and June, that was the end. We didn't speak, we didn't talk, and that was okay. Actually, we both joined colorguard, oddly enough. Different schools, but I think it's funny that we both did. I was going to ask you why you joined, because I remember telling you about how I really wanted to join. I hope you liked your decision, because mine was the best of 2013. In guard, I learned to do what I really loved, and it helped me. In May, that's actually when I first met the boy, too. It was a really nice month. I got into guard and tried out and made it, and then in the choir room after commencement, some idiot reading a Harry Potter book came over to me, asked where Lauren was, and then tickled me once we found her.
In July and August, a lot more changed. In July and August, I had band. I had a bunch of fun times with Emily and Brittany and Ally, and a new group of sisters. I had Maddi, and I had a strange infactuation with this little idiot. It started out that we were friends, and we went to movie night together. My friend had a birthday party, and that's where I talked to him, and then he threw me over his shoulder and sat next to me. That's when I started to fall for him, and my friends wanted to set me up. It made July a good month. Movie night was the weekend after, and have you ever had that moment where you fall in love with someone, and you let them into your heart? It happened at movie night, near the end of August. Somehow I ended up on his lap and then he put his arms around me and he put his hands around mine and turned it into a gun and had me shoot a bunch of the idiot boys. It was actually funny and a lot more intense than I thought it would be, and then it just sort of stuck in my mind.
At the beginning of August, he asked me out. I fell asleep on that bus ride home from the field trip where he asked me to be his girlfriend, and then I woke up to a little kiss on my forehead.
Fast forwarding through the months, I'll just try to finish this easily, but honestly it's hard to sum up everything? You know what I mean. There are always so many feelings. Let's see.
The past few months, I have fallen in love. We're going to be together a long time, and it's real, and I actually believe it now. In October when we saw each other, I wish I could've brought him over to meet you, but there just wasn't time, I guess. I was scared that you'd just scream and yell at me and never want to see my face again. That's why I was so standoffish, and honestly it hurt me beyond belief to see you. That hole in my heart opened up again, and I spent the rest of the night trying to fight a panic attack with Nathan telling me not to worry about anything.
These past few months, I've tried to forget about you. It hasn't worked, obviously, but that's okay now. The past two months, honestly, is when I learned the most about our short time together. We won't forget, but we can still let it go. And that's why I'm letting it go, right now. Sure, I'll still think about you and maybe a tear will fall. Maybe Brittany will have a hard day and we'll have to figure it out together. But this should be the end, because it's 2014 and we all need to just stop.
You, me, Brittany, Ally; anyone. We all need to leave what happened to rest, and just live out our lives away from each other. I guess that means Phil too, and you and Brittany at school. That means that I will stop writing about you when I get into that mode of thinking, and that I won't try to contact you anymore. If I see you on the street, or we see each other at band gatherings, I'll say hi, and ask how you are, but it won't have to be any more than that. In school, maybe Brittany and you will look at each other across the hall, or catch a glance, or a word. It shouldn't be full of anger anymore, though. It shouldn't be nasty rumors or angry ways or little stabs in the back. It should just be over.
I'll always love you in the way that friends love each other, and if you ever need to talk about anything, believe it or not, I'm still here. I hope you know that. Other than that, I hope we can all just move on and not speak, and just keep the hostile feelings inside and let them go, instead of torturing each other all the time. You and I are alike in a lot of ways, and hey, we both have someone we love. Maybe they'll work out how we really want.
Bye, Sky.
YOU ARE READING
letters lament
Poetryfind a name, or a topic, and think about it. think about it really hard. we don't use the word hard in here, we use difficult, challenging. life is challenging.
