letters lament

Dear Me: Trust

Here it is, sweetheart. One of those topics that makes you cringe, because you're not sure of it anymore. You're not sure if it exists, right? I don't know either, and that's all fine and dandy, because we're the same person, I think. 

Well, we should be the same person, if I'd stop talking with the strange vocabulary: dandy? Yeah, sorry about that. It's a bit late, and I've had what you could call a silly day, because I had some fun. What did I do today? I spent some time with one of my best friends all night yesterday, and then this morning. And then? I went on a date. 

A real, honest to god date. We met up at the park, and we went on the swings and played on the playground like the idiots we are, the entire time talking. I did a lot of the talking, and I hated how that bothered me. I'm the girl, I talk a lot in general, right? He's a bit shy. I should've expected it. Instead of expecting it, my head started to play a bunch of tricks on me, twisting his body language. Him not talking back as much translated into mistrust, and hatred, and nervosa. 

It's our fault, you know that? 

Since the beginning of time, I've trusted too much. 

It started with her, the old friend. That obviously didn't go off too well, if you know what I mean. Of course you do: you trusted her with everything, and she was your idol. What did she do? Treated you like shit. She used you, and manipulated you, and it hurt. She's one of the reasons you hate yourself. She's the reason you want to be normal. Actually, only one of them. What is normal? 

Who cares. 

Everyone wants you to be it, whatever that is.

The next few were just small, little bouts of trust. That girl you told about the crush, or the boy you gave your sweater to. The one who told you they'd make sure you were okay, always. Your little brother, who you thought wouldn't spray you with that hose. Yet, he pushed you straight into the water, and laughed as you got soaked. Your father. You trusted him with everything you had, and he betrayed it. It was always a lie: all of it. That's another letter, we'll say. All to another lament, to another time and another place, because that lie is over now, and it's one of those reasons why you almost broke. 

Then there was last year, when you trusted her. The recent letter, the one who shattered you. That was a trust broken, and it scarred you, didn't it? Possibly. Probably.Definitely.

a l w a y s . 

These past few months have changed the perspective of trust on thousands of levels. Give them your heart? No. They need to earn it first. They need to give you the same amount of everything you give back. Talk to them openly, all the time? Not unless they do the same. Fall for them? Maybe. No. I'm not sure. I don't know. 

I just really don't know. 

See, if you neglect your friends, it comes back to you. And I'm never going to do that, because there are the few people that I still trust: the ones that earned it. And they deserve my trust. They deserve my heart. They deserve it all. 

I just realized how strange this lament must sound, with the topics bouncing about. Is this even about trust anymore? Maybe it's about love. Maybe it's about the fact that I want to let myself have a relationship, and fall into someone's arms. I want to be able to kiss a boy, like I did today, and not worry about it. I want to be careless. Instead, the little flits went across my mind, jumping from thought to worry to fear to feeling. I wanted to be able to trust him. I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to like me for the real me, if I could even find that. See, that's something I'm not sure of, who I really am. Who ever really knows, though? 

I want. It's all about that, right? What I want. That's not what trust is about. It's about two people, and the bond between them, and their ability to depend on each other. 

It's not about wants, or needs, not really. 

It's just about trust. 

-dancing on the glass-