letters lament

Dear All: Farewell

No, this isn't some suicide letter. No, it's not some spiteful way to lament my feelings to myself, or you. It's honestly just, a goodbye.  

I'm finally moving on. It's 2014, and as it may be, I've changed a lot. There has been a lot of heartache, a lot of betrayal, trust given, trust taken, love given, love taken; I could go on for hours. Mostly, there's just been a lot of me, thinking so much that it nearly kills me, or thinking so little that it doesn't even matter anymore. One little detail turns into an entire letter, and then I send multiple letters to absolute idiots and absolute dorks or lovers or friends or family. 

It never works out. Barely any of them have read their letters, and mostly I've just gone over them myself, reading them as a reference to some of the times that I've lost. And now, it's time to clean all of the loose ends up. Farewell, in order. Oh, this will be fun. 

To Nobody, you know who you are, sometimes. We've gone from that depth, to here. Think of that. 

To Me, god, you've changed. You might have sunken eyes still, or a body that you're still battling, but the anchors have pulled us closer to the surface. 

To Mads, we've been through a lot, and it's always little arguments and little bits of tease, and it always comes back to the beginning. We love each other, because we're sisters; not by blood, but by blood anyway. 

To Nick, keep your goddamned smile. Stop taking those little pieces of you and continually beating yourself up for not being good enough or old enough or cute enough. You told me to love myself, and love yourself just like I love you. 

Authors, we're together. 

Society? Oh god, alright. Love isn't what people choose. It's what they get sucked into. It's not cliche, it doesn't have to be, and dating isn't a fucking game. It's life. Sex isn't a game either, it's a commitment. Judging people based on whether they have or haven't had sex is wrong. Also, teaching people to be on the fence about it? Not cool. 

Skyler, we've been through a lot. I've never hated you. I'll probably never trust you again, but that's okay. It doesn't mean I love you any less, and it doesn't mean that the dynamics won't change between us. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. It doesn't really concern me as much anymore. 

Brittany, you're one of my anchors. You keep me in this world sometimes, you honestly do. Is that weird to say? It's either you or Maddi; I've never talked about anything that deep with anyone else. Keep your head held high for me. 

Magz, you're one of those people. We'll cross paths the rest of our lives, and never a bad word will ever be said. We have sold our souls to each other, just as Brittany and I. In a way, maybe it's not in as much depth, because you haven't dealt with as much, but it doesn't matter anyway. I don't want you to go through anything that could take you over the edge. Please. 

Matt, you got my apology. Sorry for being a naive middle schooler, that could at least be given an apology from you though, for being an ass as well. It's 10th grade, get over yourself. 

Ally, you already know what I'm going to say. I love you, you're my fucking wife. It's like we don't see each other as much as we should, but that's okay. We always manage to get right back on the same page, and it will always be that way, I hope. Maybe we'll even go to college together. 

Kayla, you're one of those friends that I'll never let go of, because it just can't happen. How could it happen when you're such a sister to me? 

Dad, I still love you. Sometimes it's just really hard to be the perfect daughter. It's really hard to look you in the eye sometimes. 

Yes dork, you're last. Maybe it's because you're one of those really unsure ones, because god, you did a lot to me this year. You've given me further confidence in myself, and also frustrated me to no end. You've made me laugh hysterically, but also cry and sit in the corner, hyperventilating. So you see, there's a lot of emotion. You've helped me at my weakest and at my greatest, however, and the small mistakes you've made, they've been taken as overreactions from me. You've taught me to have patience, and to notice the little things even more. Not the big things, but the little ones. Sometimes they matter, and sometimes they don't, and now I know when they do. 

Farewell, all of you. Some of you aren't in my life anymore. That's fine. Some of you will always be in my life. Some of you are new. No matter what, that's the end. There's nothing more I can do with this collection; my laments aren't laments anymore. They're memories.