Everlasting love - Niam

Chapter 4

It's pathetic.

I'm pathetic, crying over a boy. It's stupid so stupid but the way my heart aches is unbearable. no one should be able to make me feel like this. like there is someone constantly pulling at my heart, tearing it out of my chest leaving me hallow and empty. I wiped my eyes,  willing the tears   to stop  but it seemed as  though it was useless because fat tears continued to roll down my cheeks,heavy sobs rippling through my body.  I tried to stop the tears, putting a hand over my mouth to stop the sounds but it didn't work, it only seemed to make me cry harder. I pulled my knees to my chest and buried my face in my knees and took a deep breath. I  couldn't stop the dark thoughts that invaded my my mind, the need to just end everything was growing stronger as I continued to cry, I didn't want to feel like this forever, the constant ache I felt in my chest and the overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I just wanted to feel whole, for once in my life. it seemed like everything in my life was falling apart, not that it wasn't before but now I just don't think I can go on any longer, It's like I can't find happiness in my life anymore. Liam had stolen all my happiness when he broke my heart and left me to pick up the pieces alone. I have tried to be happy, tried to get over him but I have failed miserably. He means more to me than anything and it hurts to know that I may not mean anything at all to him. I gave every single piece of me to him and in the end he didn't want any part of me.  I know I was difficult, hard to love but somewhere in my fucked up mind I always thought he would stick   around  no matter how hard I made it for him. Being in love is horrible, something I never want to ever experience again, it made me so vulnerable, I opened  my chest and heart, letting him get inside and mess me up. All the defenses and armors I built up for years so nobody could get inside or hurt me went into ashes, the moment I met him. I didn't understand at the time because he was no different to any other person I had met before but somehow I ended up giving him a piece of me. He never asked for it, he just smiled at me one day and now my life isn't the same any more. Love took me as a  hostage. It got inside me. I let it eat me inside out and leave me crying in the darkness. I didn't know that a simple phrase like 'I don't think it's working out' could turn into a glass splinter working its way into my heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love.

I choke out a heart wrenching sob, trying to stop myself from thinking these dark thougths but it seems as though I am reaching my breaking point. Seeing Liam today with Sophia, looking so unaffected by our break up made something in me break, I think Zayn knew that because he had refused to leave me alone, it wasn't until I yelled at him to leave me alone that he unwilling left. I find myself grabbing my phone from the side table, my hands seeming to have a mind of their own as I searched through my contacts list my fingers hovering over his name. I again find myself writing out a message to him, I'm not sure what it says, the tears blocking  my vision but there is no turning back as I send the message.

I take another deep breath and wipe away the tears, standing up from the bed and pulling on a hoodie, heading out of the house. I make sure to close the door behind me quietly, not wanting to wake mum up at this unearthly hour. I put my hands into the pocket of my hoodie as I walk down the street. I don't know where it is I am heading, I am just walking too stuck in my thoughts to really care where it is I am headed.

It seems like I've been walking for hours, I find myself standing at the edge of a bridge, the wind cutting my skin.

The cold gusts sliced through my thin hoodie and ripped at my flesh but I ignored it instead taking deep breathes. My lungs hurt shocked by the sudden overflow icy air. I ignored it.
I toes at the edge of the bridge, I knew the wind was dangerous, it could sweep me off and lead me to my death but I didn't step back. I wasn't scared, I had passed that point a year ago I embraced death now.