Everlasting love - Niam

Chapter 5

Liam had taken me back home and refused to leave me by myself but I wanted him gone, he didn't seem to understand that by acting like he cared it was only hurting me more. He was acting as if everything was okay between us when deep down it wasn't, it was far from okay. I wanted to scream at him, say all the words that had been bottled up inside me. He didn't have the right to do this to me, hurt me like this.

"Can you stop" I say, sitting up from the bed and pulling my knees to my chest. He looked at me confused.

"Stop what?" He asks

"Pretending you care" I say "I know you're only doing this for your own conscious"

"I'm not doing anything Niall" he says "I care about you why is it so hard for you to believe?" There is a list of things that I could say to answer that question but I chose to ignore it, I didn't want to do this with him at the moment. I was tired, it's like he was draining the energy from my body and in a way he was because he has taken every single piece of me and I have nothing left. It feels like he just keeps coming for more, everytime I try to get myself back together when I think I could be fine that I don't need him anymore he does something to break my already broken heart. Takes another piece that I had tried to glue back together, leaving me to start again. It's a cycle, a constant cycle that I can't seem to break away from. His got me trapped where he wants me and I've yet to figure out a way to escape the trap.

"Can you just go, I want to be alone" I say.

"Ni-" he begins but I cut him off

"If you care about me like you say, you'll give me the space that I need" I say angrily, he was pissing me off.

"I'm not going anywhere" he says and I clench my jaw glaring at him. He didn't have a problem leaving before. It was angering me the fact that he doesn't see the kind of affect he is having on me. He can't just decide to stick around the moment I try to end it all together. What about the times I was fighting to live, fighting my darkest thoughts. What about the time when I was fighting my demons when they had already drowned me. Why didn't he stay at those times, the times I needed him the most. Not now. It's too late now.

"I want you to go" I say and it was true I needed him gone almost as much as I needed him to stay. He was good for me but also bad. He made me happy but also made me feel like I was nothing.

He stared at me like he was trying to figure me out, to see if I really wanted him gone.

"Fine, I'll go then" he says, sighing. I don't say a word to him, just staring at the black sheets on my bed.

"Don't do anything please" he says as he stands up from the floor, looking at me with desperate pleading eyes.

"Go home" I say instead. He gives me another look again, one that I can not figure out before walking out my room. The clicking of the door echoes in my head and the words they always leave you repeat themselves over and over again. And it's true everyone always leaves me and I can't blame them, I never give them a reason to stay.

I used to be so happy my mother says, was careless and outgoing. She never understood what changed why I became so unhappy and I never will too. I wasn't getting bullied or had a bad childhood it was nothing. It just happened. A voice in my head started telling me I wasn't good enough, I started feeling disgust at what I saw in the mirror. An emptiness filled me up, started feeling anxious in larger groups, suicidal thoughts flashed through my mind, felt stress for no reason, I became afraid of shedding tears. An unexplainable sadness grew in me. Nothing traumatic happened in my life. I just became sad for no reason.

I can't pin point the time in my life when I stopped smiling for real and life became less about living and more about surviving with these demons in my head, it feels nearly impossible.

My mother cried when the doctors diagnosed me with depression. She had taken me to many doctors, hoping for a different diagnosis but each time it was the same. Immediately she took me to a therapist, wanting me to get better but it did nothing. It wasn't until I met Liam that I got a little better.

Mum seemed to have noticed too, I came out of my shell. I opened up to him and I guess he brought back a piece of the happiness I had lost.

Liam was the first man I ever loved, still love.

I didn't know it at the time, I let myself become consumed by him until it was too late and all of that harmless, easy affection he showed towards me became something much deeper. More rooted. Not that I could have stopped it. He knew all of my secrets. He'd seen each of my scars and knew the story of each one.

We were inseparable. We read the same books and ate off each other's plates and slept together. Slept in the sweetest, most innocent sense, the two of us tangled up on my single bed. I wonder sometimes if it was as blissful as I remember, those long sunny afternoons and longer winter nights, or if it's smeared with nostalgia because my life is so the opposite of blissful now it warrants a new word because miserable just isn't enough.

I get a flashback and I feel my eyes water but fight the tears. I've cried enough today.

"I love you, Liam Payne. And it's going to hurt if you leave, so I'm choosing to believe that you meant it when you said you won't. Okay? So don't leave."

"Never." Liam kisses him. "I love you."

The scene repeats itself in my head reminding me of all the broken promises Liam made to me.