Everlasting love - Niam

Chapter 8

Niall:

I stared into my own image in the mirror, and I'd never hated what I saw more than I did now. I didn't know when my life had turned into this. When I turned into this hopelessly, pathetic and worthless person? Had Liam really sucked out every little self-worth I once had? The name made my heart ache, and it was almost as bad as thinking about Harry.

Harry.

I still couldn't believe i'd slept with him. I didn't even mean to sleep with him, it just happened.

I swallowed around the lump in my throat, and my fingers tightened around the sink. After it ended I'd felt like the lowest person to walk on this earth. I had looked at Harry's sleeping face which looked so young and innocent, and the guilt had been clawing at my insides. It had definitely not gotten better when I saw Liam. The guilt was eating away at me the fact that I'd used Harry to obtain a fleeting moment of pleasure to forget about Liam.

I was still unable to comprehend how it had gotten that far. I was disgusted by my actions; I'd literally begged Harry for it, and I guess the term 'slut' applied to me for once. I didn't understand why Harry hadn't stopped me.

I didn't want to think about it and all I was sure of was that things were never going to be the same between Harry, Liam and I.

I sniffed as my nose was beginning to run, and I realised I was crying. I bit down my lips harshly until the skin broke like I was trying to punish myself: punish myself for ever getting attached to Liam and for destroying any chance of a friendship with Harry.

I shouldn't feel guilty, I know I shouldn't because I have nothing to be guilty about. Liam and I aren't together, I can sleep with however I want but I can't help it the guilt is eating away at me. I shouldn't have ever slept with Harry.

I hate how Liam has this hold on me, how he could still fuck with my emotions, how he made me feel guilty for something I shouldn't feel guilty about. It's not like he cares, he doesn't fucking care I need to get that in my head.

Liam had played with me and used me up and wrenched me dry like a dishrag until he finally discarded me like a broken toy.

"A broken toy..." I repeated loudly as I stared into my teary eyes. "That's a good definition." I fell to my knees and muffled my sobs with my hand.

I cried, cried so hard I was sure my body was going to run out of water, leaving me dehydrated. I have nothing to be guilty for I keep telling myself but yet my heart rejected the words, instead continuing to ache making the hurt stronger than before. It felt like my heart was on fire, like I had set it on fire by sleeping with Harry. It was hurting, hurting so much I struggled for breath.

I have nothing to feel guilty for.

Yet I did, I gave a piece of myself to Harry, a piece of me that was only for Liam. but that was part of the moving on process wasn't it?

Only for Liam my heart screams at me, trying to get me to understand only for Liam. 

No no no I want to scream, it wasn't for Liam. I'm not for Liam, he didn't want me and I want to scream that to my heart make it understand that Liam doesn't want it, doesn't want it back, never wanted it in the first place.

I wipe furiously at my face willing the tears to stop but they don't and I continue to cry harshly as I stand up and heading out of the bathroom, going to my room. When I make it there, I slip into bed covering myself.

I spend the rest of the day in bed, crying and begging my heart to stop feeling guilty. I have nothing to feel guilty for.

"Niall?" I hear my mother say but I don't respond.

"Niall sweety... you haven't gotten up from under your blanket all night." The mattress dipped a little as my mother took a seat at my head. I was facing away and trying very hard not to crumble under all the self-loathing and heartbroken thoughts going through my mind. "Is everything okay?"

I felt my mother's hand delicately run through my hair, and I found some comfort in the gesture. "I...I'll be fine mum," I whispered, even though I knew it was a lie; I'd never feel whole again. My mother was silent, but continued to caress my hair; I let her, even though I just wanted to be left alone.

"Do you want anything to eat?" My mother asked. "you could have pancakes even though it's late I'll sprinkle on some chocolate syrup and fresh sliced strawberries, just as you like it; how about that?"

I managed a weak smile, because I could never be more grateful for my mother. However, I felt like I would throw up anything I ate. "Thanks mum.... but I am full," I said softly; yeah, I was definitely full with guilt, hurt and pain. I felt the hand in my hair stop, and I knew my mother was alarmed; in any other situation; I would've jumped at the mentioning of my mother's special pancakes. She knew it was serious now.

"Sweetheart, will you look at me for a sec?"

"Would you just leave mum?" there was a slight snap in my voice, and I immediately felt guilty. I worked myself up in a sitting position and turned to face my mother who was frowning a little.

"Niall, tell me what's wrong," She said as she studied me, and I kind of hated how mothers had an uncanny ability to know every time something was wrong. "I am your mother. You can tell me."

"No... I can't," it kind of slipped out before I could stop it, and I knew I'd just made myself sound more suspicious than before. My mother was looking at me, and I could just feel how she was jumping to all kind of conclusions.

"Did you cut again?" She asked with a straight-face, and my eyes widened.

"What? No!"

"Are you doing drugs again?"

"No," I was quick to say but I had a feeling my mother was seeing right through me.

"Is it related to cutting or drugs?" my mother pressed, and her questions were quickly unnerving me.

"No! It's nothing! No drugs! Please mum, would you stop asking questions!?"

"Then what is it, Niall? You don't want me to believe you look like this for no reason?" my mother's eyes were now stern, and I was losing my calm. "I am your mother, and I am just trying to help you. It won't go away if you hide-"

I hit breaking point, because I couldn't take it anymore. If the guilt with Harry wasn't enough, I felt guilty for not being honest with my mother. I felt guilty for all the lies I'd told her; I felt so damn guilty, so I blurted everything out in an almost angry outburst.

"It's everything! It's Liam, okay!? Im in love with someone who doesn't give a shit about me!" I yelled, but I didn't even care what I was saying anymore. "I slept with this boy and I feel so guilty when I shouldn't because we're over and I shouldn't fucking feel guilty but I do!"

And with my mortified and shocked mother as audience, I crumbled into a fits of uncontrollable tears.