Fair Share of the Past

ThirtyNine-Finding Her

Chapter Thirty Nine.

"Ang dami nito. i'll give some to Nanay and tricia." Monique pouted with what i said. .

"I have pasalubongs for nanay and Tricia V. bat ipapamigay mo yan? ang gara mo!" natawa naman ako sa sinabi nya.

"Ang adik mo. puro kanto words yang natututunan mo dito." she smiled slyly.

"Sila Anton kasi. baliw. lagi ng sinasabi yan." natatawang sabi nya.

My girlfriends and monique became good friends so part na sya ng friends circle namin.

"Do they know?" i asked softly. she shook her head and rested her tired back.

"No. hinahanap ka pa rin nila. alam mo ba yun?" i smiled bitterly and nodded.

"Bat ba hindi ka pa bumalik. okay naman na lahat ah? Lance started his new life and you have your own. its about time. two years ka nang nagtatago sa mga taong yun. you know hiding is a sign on cowardice." she said and looked at me.

"i know M. but i'm not yet ready to face them. or Lance. or dad and everyone else." i said softly and sat on the single chair with my head and the back of my knees resting on the armchairs.

"Kelan ka magiging ready? for goodness sake V! engage na ulit si Lance. move on! dont be stuck up being miserable for the rest of your life. i want you to be happy! and that wont happen if you let yourself be stuck with that stupid share of your past! let it go V!" tumayo na sya saka iniwan ako.

i know he's engage to be married. it was in the news last month pa.

tumayo ako saka lumabas ng bahay. naglakad lakad ulit sa tabing dagat. i need to clear my head and my heart. tanggap ko naman na na wala na talaga kaming pag asa pero pag naririnig ko na engage na sya may kurot pa rin sa puso ko.

i filled my lungs with the breeze of the salty water and let the water get to my feet.

ayan na. nagbabayad na ko sa mga kasalanan na nagawa ko sa kanya dati.

this is my karma for not trusting Lance before. for breaking his heart and for not loving him enough. he found somebody else. somebody who'll love him and trust him and me? i'll be stuck with my fair share of our past for the rest of my life coz this is the only thing i got. our past. were no longer binded by marriage.

ayan nanaman eh. mahal ko pa din sya eh. and this must be the price i have to pay for wasting his love for me.

naramdaman ko nalang na niyakap ako ni Monique saka sinandal sa kanya.

"nabigla lang ako kanina V. i'm sorry." she said softly.

"its okay. i know about it." i said in a hoarse voice.

"its okay to reminisce V. thats a part. but dont let yourself be buried with it. dalawang taon ka nang nagmumukmok. ni hindi ka nga nya hinanap eh. you have more than enough reason to move on. and you wont be able to do that if you keep on hiding from it."

"i need some more month to get over it M."

or a year..

or more lifetimes..

or forever.

or never.

***

"Wala pa rin ba?" Ricardo asked the private investigator for the nth time for two years.

"Sorry Don Ricardo. we still have no lead. after she left her car in Batangas theres no more lead. she just disappeared without a trace. mahirap pong maghanap ng tao na ayaw magpakita Sir." the investigator said.